By Debbie Schlussel
I’m not a fan of Omar Sharif and never have been. It’s not just that this man, born Michel Demitri Shalhoub, changed his name and converted from Catholicism to Islam to marry actress Faten Hamama, 53 years ago.
It’s not even that he shared an onscreen kiss with that most annoying singer/actress, “The Nose” a/k/a Barbra Streisand, for which he was long boycotted in the Muslim and Arab worlds (they hate that he kissed a woman who’s even only nominally a Jew). Believe me, there are many Jews–I’m one of ’em–who dislike BS as much as or more than our enemies in the Ikhwan [Brotherhood] do.

It’s that, as I’ve noted on this site, Omar Sharif–in addition to all of these things–is a thug . . . on American soil (when he “visits”). Last year, Omar of Angerabia beat and broke the nose of a parking valet in Beverly Hills for refusing to accept Euros in payment of his parking bill. Moreover, Dr. Conniptivago was allowed to plead (“no contest”) in absentia and sentenced to an anger management course, which he was allowed to take in Egypt.
As I asked then,

Do they really have acceptable anger management courses in Egypt that are legit?
Well, yes. Anger management in Egypt is when you shoot just two Jews, not bomb more of them at Sharm El-Sheikh. Or when you spit in one American tourist’s salad, rather than a whole family. Or when you edit your normal greeting to simply, “Death to America,” rather than your usual, additional inclusion of “Death to Israel.” Or honor killing your sister and not also your wife.

Still, I must say that Sharif is somewhat on target with what he told the Arabic Al-Hayat Television Network, as presented by MEMRI (Middle East Media Research Institute). While I don’t agree with his bloated sense of the “civilized” status of Egyptians vis-a-vis the rest of the Arab world (Egypt is equally as uncivilized, savage, and extremist, if not more so), I do agree with his take–one I’ve repeatedly uttered on this site–that the Arab world not only cannot handle democracy, they want Islamic law to trump it and govern all of their transactions.
A pity Al-Ameer [The Prince] Bush didn’t listen to his advice on this:

Omar Sharif: The American policy is completely wrong. . . . [T]hey don’t understand what is going on in the rest of the world. They just don’t get it. . . .
I said to Bush, even before he entered Iraq: Forget about all that. We, the Arabs… We are not like [regular countries]. We are sects. This is how we have always been. Egypt is the exception, because we Egyptians are a people that… [I said to Bush:] If you enter Iraq ‚Äì what will you do with the Sunnis, the Shiites, and the Kurds? You will drown there. You have Iran and Syria next to you ‚Äì these are Shiites, and those are Sunnis. What do you know about all these things? You will drown there.
Interviewer: How did he respond?
Omar Sharif: He didn’t believe me. I told him that I come from the East and I know… He said: “No, there must be a democracy there.” I said to him: We don’t have a democracy, and we never will. You’ll see, because people like me prefer to go to the neighborhood sheik. I like going to him, and he resolves all the problems. If someone stole from you, or something, you take him to the neighborhood sheik, and you say: This man stole from me. The sheik says to him: Return the money, or never come back to the neighborhood.

Yes, on this, Omar Sharif has his finger on the pulse of the Islamic world and the Arab Street. So sad, with all of the intelligence capabilities we have, we’re not intelligent enough to face this eternal fact about Greater Barbaria.

Omar of Angerabia:
Sadly, Al-Ameer Bush Didn’t Take Dr. Zhivago’s Sage Advice

By Debbie Schlussel
Sometimes I wonder how America is still around. While we love our country, our government does everything in its power to screw it up.
Take the case of the Bush Administration and its buddy, fugitive Saudi Gaith Pharaon:

The US military has awarded an $80 million contract to a prominent Saudi financier who has been indicted by the US Justice Department. The contract to supply jet fuel to American bases in Afghanistan was awarded to the Attock Refinery Ltd, a Pakistani-based refinery owned by Gaith Pharaon. Pharaon is wanted in connection with his alleged role at the failed Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI), and the CenTrust savings and loan scandal, which cost US tax payers $1.7 billion.

The Saudi businessman was also named in a 2002 French parliamentary report as having links to informal money transfer networks called hawala, known to be used by traders and terrorists, including Al Qaeda.
Interestingly, Pharaon was also an investor in President George W. Bush’s first business venture, Arbusto Energy.
A spokesman for the FBI said Pharaon was not wanted in connection with the French report [DS: Of course, not. Why would we care about his Al-Qaeda involvement when we need to give him Ameica’s billions?], but confirmed he was still sought by the US Justice Department.
“Ghaith Pharaon is an FBI fugitive indicted in both the BCCI and CENTRUST case,” said Richard Kolko, a spokesman for the FBI. “If anyone has information on his location, they are requested to contact the FBI or the US Embassy.”

Um, you might have tried showing up at the contract signing or at the check-cashing. Hello . . . ?

The US military purchases jet fuel from Attock through the contractor Supreme Fuels, according to a US government website. The $80 million contract for 2008 was posted this week on a US government website. Attock supplied the US military more than $40 million in jet fuel in 2007, according to another spreadsheet posted on the site.
An official at Attock, who did not wish to be named, confirmed the refinery was supplying thousands of tons of jet fuel to the US base at Bagram Air Base every month.

Paying those that screw us over . . . it’s the American way. Let me guess–this was a “no bid” contract?
I’ve said it so many times before (with the assistance of Adam Ant):
America . . . Desperate But Not Serious.

By Debbie Schlussel
The Barack Obama official campaign website is also apparently the official website for anti-Semitic bloggers. A few days ago, Carl in Jerusalem detailed how one official Obama blogger wrote an anti-Semitic screed on “How the Jewish Lobby Works.” A must-read, it was about AIPAC, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, which–for the record–represents very few Jews.
As readers know, I am NOT a fan of AIPAC, for good reason. AIPAC is basically a self-selected few liberal, wealthy, unrepresentative Jewish 10,000-pound gorillas who try to impose their liberal territory-for-“peace”, pro-PLO policies on Israel. But even though it is a bloated bureaucracy that embodies all the negative aspects of a catty synagogue sisterhood which doesn’t represent the majority of American Jews, AIPAC has been used by anti-Semites as a symbol of the Jews and has become a convenient vehicle for their open anti-Semitism.

That this baloney about “the Jewish lobby” was on the Obama site should tell you something, even if–a few days later–the B(Hussein)O campaign erased the blog, which had been very welcome there to that point.
On a very related note, I debated whether or not to link to this video, since I can’t stand Jon Stewart (he’s another American National IQ Test) and I don’t agree with the “points” that he makes. In fact, he, himself, doesn’t get his own points.
But, in the end, I decided to link to “Indecision 5768“* (tip to reader Michael and Zionist LapDog) because it shows–contrary to what Stewart is saying–that AIPAC, ie., “The Jewish Lobby,” is a platform for fraud. All of the candidates that spoke there, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Barack Hussein Obama, all used it as a stage for their diplomatic photo op to the Jewish community. They all fell all over each other to out-Jew and out-Israel each other. As an American and a Jew, I’m as disgusted as anyone by their well-fertilized verbal gush over this staged gefilte fish buffet.

After all the electioneering is over–while self-hating Stewart and his fellow self-hating Jewish writing team decry that none attacked Israel–they will all be like Bush, regardless of whom is elected. Each will force Israel into more one-sided concessions and land giveaways. And none, in the end, will be the best President for either Israel or America or the Jews. Any one of them will be the worst for all three parties involved, though McCain may be slightly, barely palpably less worse than Obama. And not by much.
And, as we know, after his AIPAC speech, Obama already backtracked, er . . . “clarified” his position on Jerusalem, saying he didn’t really mean it should remain the undivided capital of Israel, when he said exactly that at AIPAC.
And trust me, Jon, when they go speaking to Arab groups, they aren’t going to be attacking Hezbollah, HAMAS, or Fatah. Where’s your commentary about that?
So glad Stewart is now the expert on what may or “may not be in the best interest of the world,” but we’re concerned here with what’s in the best interest of AMERICA, Jon. Though–Memo to Jon–attacking Israel is in the best interest of neither party.
While Stewart claims that none can “remotely criticize Israeli policies and expect to be elected President,” none can remotely expect to be President without completely betraying Israeli once they’re elected. Arabs and Muslims take heart.
So sad that Stewart–in his otherwise funny video–doesn’t get it, while he attempts to say, “Look at me, I’m an unbiased Jew.”
Oh, and BTW, lest you think otherwise, Jon Stewart is definitely voting for “Gadolph Titler,” er . . . Barack Hussein Obama. If you think he’s voting for McCain, I have some overly sarcastic but not very smart real estate (once owned by Bill Maher) at Comedy Central, to sell you.
Jon Stewart scores very low on the Kosh-O-Meter. And even lower on the far more important What’s-Good-For-America-O-Meter
* 5768 is the current year in the Hebrew/Jewish calendar.

By Debbie Schlussel
As I suspected would happen, the National Female IQ Test a/k/a “Sex and the City,” was a one-weekend wonder, as it sunk to fourth place this past weekend.
Still, it’s fun to watch the desperate Sarah Jessica Parker flailing around promoting this movie. And now she’s instructing the world on her own special brand of “ethics.” The woman who built her career on a show (and now, movie) glorifying high-style ho-dom, without batting an eyelash, has an interesting sense of what is ethical and what isn’t.
It seems Parker is upset that a gazillion-dollar designer gown she wore to the “Hags and the City” premiere was once worn by equally ho-ish but far more attractive Lindsay Lohan, in a fashion mag back in December and was also worn by an attractive heiress at a charity event. And now the world is over:

Nothing As “Unethical” As This:
The World According to Sarah Jess-Equine Parker

What they did was so short-sighted. It’s just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.

To sum up: Teaching the world’s 12-year-old girls about giving oral sex and the glories of sleeping around, on her syndicated SATC TV show–not “unethical and disappointing” or “short-sighted.” Two far more beautiful women wearing the same dress some time ago–completely “unethical and disappointing,” not to mention “short-sighted.”
Glad this one-note, over-rated movie starlet has her priorities straight.
As a friend of mine–a former Muslim who converted to Catholicism–writes:

“Unethical”..?! Humans starving, genocide, terrorism,and allowing illegal immigrants to stay is unethical. “Disappointing” is that people actually care about what this hag has to say. Silly that she gets that much attention because her whole act is about “putting out” and being a psuedo-whore.

As you’ll recall, back in late 2000, Parker told the Washington Post that she was worried about the Bush Presidency because her poor Ohio relatives on welfare would have their services cut. Not that she’d ever give her relatives a dime of her estimated $100 million empire (endorsement deals, perfume line, acting gig and syndication royalties, clothing line). But “Oh, No!” if the taxpayers stop funding them.
Yet more reinforcement of why Maxim Magazine picked SJP as its 2007 Unsexiest Woman Alive.

Two-fer: Unsexiest AND Official “Ethics” Scholar

By Debbie Schlussel
Sadly, in the post-Bush era, G-d gave us three–and now, two–“choices” that are definitely as mediocre, and likely much worse, than the current occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Still, of the formerly two Democratic choices, Hillary was the far more bearable.
And while many of her supporters say they won’t vote Obama–check out their deliciously vicious comments on the Hillary discussion site, in response to the Detroit News error-ridden “Osama” headline I posted Friday–check in with them in November, as I’m sure they’ll by then be squarely in the “D” and “B(Hussein)O” columns by then. Still, I wanted to post this fitting good-bye/video tribute to Queen Hillary, as I will miss the machinations of herself, Slick Willie, and Princess “Pimped Out” Chelsea:

“You make [er, . . . made] the rockin’ world go round.” In pants suits.

By Debbie Schlussel
It’s hardly racist to say it’s a given that the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings’ fan base–or that of any pro hockey team–is not indicted Detroit Mayor Kwame “The Kingpin” Kilpatrick’s fan base. (Since I once did legal and marketing work for Grant Fuhr, please spare me the jokes about White men with sticks.)
Still, even Detroit-based Black sites are applauding–and posting video of–the booing of Detroit’s Pimp Daddy Mayor at Friday’s Detroit Red Wings victory parade in Downtown Detroit, a sure sign that the self-styled Hip-Hop Mayor is down and out (you needn’t watch past the first minute of the video):

By Debbie Schlussel
Maybe you remember the story. If you don’t, political correctness is to blame.
The mainstream media simply didn’t give this racially-charged horror story the attention it deserved because the races of perpetrator and victim were inconvenient to the usual Jim Crow America narrative.
In 2001, just weeks after the 9/11 attacks–which the media told us would unite Americans of all colors against a common Islamist enemy–Chante Jawan Mallard murdered a homeless man in Texas.

The Real Chante Mallard v. Hollywood’s Whitewashed Version

Mallard, a young Black woman in her twenties, embodied everything wrong with the sleazy hip-hop, gangsta lifestyle–especially its inhumanity and insensitivity to the value of all human life. She was high on gin and Ecstasy–not Snoop Dogg’s proverbial “Gin & Juice,” but close enough–while driving home in the middle of the night after partying a club. Gregory Biggs, the homeless man she hit and ultimately murdered, was White.
Mallard drove home with Biggs’ body stuck half through her windshield. He was alive, but injured and bleeding to death from the injuries and shattered glass sticking into his body. Mallard, a nurse’s aide, knew how to administer first aid, and she certainly knew–like the rest of us without that training–how to drive to a hospital.
But she did neither.
Instead, Chante Mallard drove her car, with Bigg’s body writhing in agony and dripping blood, into her garage and shut the door behind her. Despite a promise to Biggs to call for help–the first of several such empty promises–she went inside her house and had sex with her boyfriend, while Biggs lay suffering and dying. Biggs returned to the garage several times to check on Biggs, each time promising help . . . and each time doing nothing. Finally, Biggs died.
After Biggs’ death, Mallard called two friends of hers, also Black, to help her dispose of Biggs’ body in a park. Mallard got away with it, until months later she bragged at a party, “I killed a White man,” and repeatedly laughed about it. Uh-huh, that’s “hilarious.” Yes, the life of a cracker or honky simply wasn’t worth that much to Chante Jawan Mallard. Neither was the fact that he suffered and died a slow, painful, bloody death at her hands.
And Mallard would have gotten away with it. But an enemy of hers was at the party and informed police. In 2003, a guilty verdict resulted in Texas v. Mallard, and she was sentenced to 50-years in prison for second degree murder. She stood to do life, but now she will be eligible for parole 25 years after she began serving her sentence. While Mallard’s victim, Gregory Biggs, died a cruel, cold-hearted death at her hands, she could be out of jail in her mid-50s.

Chante Mallard Murdered “This White Man,” Gregory Biggs
But now a second injustice has been done. It’s “Stuck,” a major motion picture just released in theaters. It is almost 7 years after the murder. Yet, 7 years later, Hollywood still cannot face facts when the race narrative is not the one they want it to be. If the evil White man convention doesn’t fit, we must acquit, er . . . lie in the script?
While the movie is almost completely faithful to the story, Chante Jawan Mallard–a racist Black murderer–is now Brandi Boski, a White chick played by the fair-skinned Mena Suvari. There is no racism in the on-screen story, no comments about “I killed a cracker. Hahahahaha.” But most other things are the same, from the nurse’s aide job of the perpetrator to the Ecstasy pills to the lengthy sex scene, while a homeless man is dying in her garage. Even the look of the house on set is virtually identical to Mallard’s.

Ironically, the few who object to the racial make-over sound like they are on the same Ecstasy pills Mallard was on the night of the murder. An idiotic, uber-liberal White reviewer writes that he is upset that make-up artists styled the obviously White Suvari with cornrows and made her look and sound “African-American,” which he found “insulting and completely racist.” Um . . . Hello? Several Black bloggers lamented that “yet another Black role goes to a White woman.” From White, guilt-ridden liberals to Blacks lamenting they don’t get to play murderers, these card-carrying members of DENSA would be hilarious . . . if they weren’t so sad.
Yes, there are a few other differences in this well-done horror thriller. But they are minor in comparison to the Mallard White-wash and help bring the story along.
Gregory Biggs is now Tom Pardo, a 50-something homeless man who has the day from hell, which begins with being thrown out of his dumpy flophouse efficiency to being given the runaround by government employment agency bureaucrats, and being roused from sleep on a park bench by police, to the horror of being hit and left to suffer by the newly-White version of Chante Mallard.
One appropriate embellishment is the scene in which an illegal alien mother and son find the dying man in the garage and endeavor to save him. But when they reach their home, the husband tells them to ignore him and let him die because, “it’s not our business. Beside that, do you want to be deported?” While it’s not the intended sympathetic-to-aliens sentiment, so much for the public image of illegal aliens as “loyal citizens” who just want to “do the work Americans won’t do.”
And the ending to the Hollywood version of this movie is far more satisfying than the sad, real-life ending to Biggs’ life, making it worth seeing.
But while “Stuck” is a great–though depraved–movie, and well done from almost every standpoint of suspense, misery, and just revenge, one giant injustice rings through:
Bleaching the perpetrator of this horrible murder doesn’t just bleach the truth. It adds insult to injury of the memory of murder victim, Gregory Biggs. If he were a Black man, his life might have been worth more to his racist Black murderess.
May he rest in peace, instead of turning over in his grave.

By Debbie Schlussel
To my friends and readers, tonight at sundown, the Jewish holiday of Shavuot [“Shah-Voo-Oat”] (also called, Shavuos–in Yiddish), or the “Festival of Weeks,” begins. It is also referred to as “Pentecost,” not to be confused with the Christian “Pentecost.” It is one of the three Jewish harvest festivals.
However, I’ve prepared some blog posts and columns–including an exclusive column (to be posted Tuesday) about a key Al-Qaeda terrorist whose son is a Barack Obama fundraiser and at whose trial I was the ONLY journalist covering it–about newsworthy and pop culture events, which my webmaster will be putting up until the holiday ends on Tuesday Night. So, while I am not here in actuality, I’m here in spirit and print, and I promise you that you will not notice my absence, because you will see new things you won’t read elsewhere.

So, to my observant Jewish friends, Chag Shavuot Sameach [a Happy Shavuot Holiday], and to everyone else, to learn more about the holiday, go here and here. Basically, the holiday is a celebration of G-d giving the Torah and the Ten Commandments to the Jewish people. On the holiday, men traditionally stay up all night, the first night, in Bible study, and we eat dairy foods.
See ya Tuesday Night, but again, you won’t notice I’m gone, as tomorrow and Tuesday, new, unique stuff–on issues you and I care about and inane pop culture stuff we don’t necessarily care so much about–will be up.

By Debbie Schlussel
The only new movie I semi-recommend, with strong reservations, this weekend, is “Stuck.” I did not review “Kung Fu Panda,” as the only screening took place on the Jewish Sabbath. Sorry.
* “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan“: Read my complete review. What could have been funny is actually the worst of standard Adam Sandler fare. Vulgar, disgusting, politically correct, and a waste of time. Not funny. Again, read my complete review.

FOUR MARXES

* “Stuck“: I will post a full review column on this movie, Monday. It’s based on the true story of Chante Mallard, the woman who hit a homeless man with her car and let him die. The movie, starring Mena Suvari, has a much better ending and pay-off for the dreadfulness, than the real-life version. And the ending makes it all worth it. It’s like a low-budget Steven King thriller.
While the movie was well-done and shows the inhumanity of those who follow the hip-hop gangsta lifestyle (and have no respect for human life), the biggest objection I have is that the movie’s been whitewashed. In the real story, the killer is a Black racist woman. But here, she’s been turned into a White woman to be PC and ignore that Black-on-White racism is an important issue, which can often be fatal. Again, stay tuned for my column, Monday.
ONE MARX (PC whitewashing)


* “The Foot Fist Way“: This was one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. A mean, selfish martial arts teacher at a strip mall teaches kids martial arts and constantly swears at them and says depraved sexual things to them in what seems like an early 1980s setting. Every character is in cheesy 1980s clothing, hairstyles, and make-up (blue eye-shadow). His wife is cheating on him and they split. Meanwhile he has a conflict with his nemesis a famous martial arts champ. Who cares?
This cheesy movie with no plot looks like a bad porn movie with no porn. It’s that bad. Will Farrell saw this movie which has been around a while and decided to spread this garbage onto the big screen. So horrid, I walked out.
FOUR MARXES

* “Standard Operating Procedure“: SOP is a POS. Yet another awful, anti-American anti-War movie. This one–a “documentary”–is about Abu Ghraib, and tries its darndest to make America look like a torturing, barbaric, inhumane country. But even this likely bomb fails at that goal. And it puts the truth to a lot of the lies about the level of so-called “torture” at Abu Ghraib.
One soldier, Roman Krol, tells about how he was sentenced to several months in prison for throwing a nerf ball at a prisoner and spilling some water on someone. This is torture? “People laugh at that,” he says about his sentence for nothing. Not sure how we win a war with this kind of overreaction to child’s play against prisoners.
Another soldier, Jeremy Sivits, was sentenced to a year in prison, when he was actually trying to save a prisoners hands from cuffs that were too tight.
We also learn that the famous photo of an Iraqi with a bag over his heads and wires hanging from him was not what it seemed. The wires were fake, not hooked up to anything. And the man–nicknamed “Gilligan” by soldiers–was accused of killing two American military Criminal Investigation Division agents with box cutters. Sounds like we were too nice to him.

Not What It Seems
And by the way, the soldiers who put him in this position with the wires, etc., were determined by U.S. authorities to have engaged in proper treatment of him. We were never told any of this by CBS’ “60 Minutes II” and Seymour Hirsch, who broke the Abu Ghraib story.
Interviews with people like Lynndie England don’t make the case against America’s war efforts and military, the intended goal of the movie. She blames Abu Ghraib on her being a female. She says that the women in the military are pressured to impress the men. Is this what Gloria Steinem is spewing these days?
The obnoxious former Brigadier General Janis Karpinski buck-passes throughout the movie. But she was in charge, and has now built a lucrative career blaming Israel and America and speaking at Arab and Muslim dinners and gatherings. Good riddance.
Finally, there’s an annoying lesbian soldier who keeps writing letters to her “wife.” What ever happend to “don’t ask, don’t tell”? She told, and she was a great candidate for ejection from our armed forces if there ever was one. She sounds like a valley girl and is a complete idiot. She let an old man die, while she took photos of herself giving the thumbs up with him.
She was the only soldier who made the uncompelling case this movie tries, however desperately, to tell. That some soldiers are idiots and inhuman with no heart. This one out of hundreds of thousands.
Case not made.
THREE MARXES

By Debbie Schlussel
A year ago, one of my readers told me about “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan,” Adam Sandler’s movie, in theaters today. In it, Sandler is “Zohan,” an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his death to realize his dream of becoming a hairdresser in New York.
I figured it would be yet another peacenik, moral equivalency movie–as all movies emanating out of liberal LaLaLand always are. And that’s exactly what it turned out to be. That, coupled with anti-Israel, anti-Semitic stereotypes, and bad, vulgar, disgusting jokes.

But along the way, while remaining skeptical, I fell for the usual tricks: misleading, carefully edited Sandler movie trailers that include the only good jokes in the movie, Sandler’s donation of 400 video games to Israeli victims of Hezbollah bombings, and his contributions to the Presidential candidate who best understood the Islamic terrorism threat to America, Rudolph Giuliani.
While I gushed over the hype and the funny trailer and was looking forward to it, I forgot the oft-told parable about the turtle and the scorpion:

A scorpion finds himself in the middle of a lake, when he realizes he can’t swim and begins to drown. A turtle passes by and the scorpion begs the turtle to allow him to ride on his back until they both reach shore. “But you will bite me, and we will both drown,” says the turtle. “No,” the scorpion assures him, “I won’t because I want to live and if I bite you, we will both drown.”
The turtle buys his story and allows the scorpion aboard. But when they come close to shore, the scorpion bites the turtle and he begins to die. “Why did you bite me, when I’ve saved your life?” asks the turtle. “Because I’m a scorpion. That’s my nature.”

The story’s usually told to describe Jews and Israelis who believe they’ll finally get peace by trusting and giving the store away to Palestinians. But it’s also a good parable for me, regarding my hope that this very bad movie–which Bin Laden and Nasrallah couldn’t have made more to their liking–would finally be the exciting movie that makes fun of Islamic terrorists and shows Jews and Israelis in a positive light, rather than as weak, venal oppressors of primitive peoples.
In that hope, I was the turtle. I expected Sandler–who is, after all, just another fixture of Hollywood and puts out more than his own fair share of its garbage–to act contrary to Hollywood’s and his nature.
“You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” is hardly contrary. It’s a disgusting display of the same old, same old. And it’s stupid. In fact, it’s one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. I took a pro-Israel Arab friend of mine who did undercover work against terrorists to see it, and he said it was the worst movie he’d ever seen in his life. He put his head in his hands for most of the movie and wanted to leave. I did, too.
Zohan is tired of fighting terrorists. “When will it end?” he asks. Sadly, that’s the same attitude and professed sentiment of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, who is using it as an excuse to negotiate away Israel’s national security. Tragically, it is only Mossad agent Zohan–not Olmert–who fakes his death, in a fight against Arab terrorist, “The Phantom,” and moves to New York.
The Phantom is both Hezbollah and Palestinian in this movie (his sister is Palestinian and yet he maintains the “Hezbollah Terrorist Hotline”), which gets even the most obvious details wrong. Why worry about accuracy on the basics, when you’re so busy making the “dick jokes” (which just aren’t funny) and making fun of the Jews?
So while Phantom is hailed throughout the Lebanese or Palestinian world (we’re not sure which) and owns a chain of MuchenTuchen fast food restaurants (this is funny? Arab restaurants with German sounding gibberish names? Believe me, it sounds funnier here than it is in the movie), Sandler/Zohan is busy trying to get a job at Paul Mitchell and other salons in New York.
But, of course, the only one who will hire him is–shocker!–the friendly, generous Palestinian woman salon owner, played by peacenik Moroccan Jew Emanuelle Chriqui (who calls her Israeli relatives and being pro-Israel, very “negative”). Oh, and–another shocker!–they fall in love. This is after Sandler has sex with about 100 grannies whose hair he’s cut.
Meanwhile a [insert Palestinian or Lebanese here] cab driver recognizes Zohan and informs the Phantom via the Hezbollah Hotline. They plan to capture Zohan and kill him. But in the end, it’s all Rodney King “can’t we all just get along?” crap.
Sound entertaining to you? It isn’t. This movie’s a mess, and I’m being generous.
Instead of being funny and exploring the contradictions of Islamic terrorists who won’t make peace and would rather send their own children to their deaths, we’re given a steady supply of very graphic penis jokes (including a vulgar discussion of Sandler/Zohan’s pubic hair enhancement strategy) which aren’t funny and scenes in which Adam Sandler is having sex with old ladies. We see lots of unnecessary shots of Sandler’s (or a body double’s) naked butt, and every other comment is about “making the big bang boom.”
Yup, those randy, Israeli sex fiends. To enhance the “point,” Sandler wears a sock or some other artificial enhancement under tight bike shorts throughout the movie to make his groin region look big.
Haha, funny. You know the depraved, slutty life that Bin Laden likes to say America is living? That’s this movie. And I question how such a filthy movie–with no less nudity and frank talk than the deservedly R-rated “Sex and the City“–managed to snag a PG-13 rating.
Then, there are the running Israeli stereotypes. Throughout the movie, we’re hit over the head with Sandler’s sleazy Israeli friends who cheat people with bad merchandise at electronics stores. They all wear shirts unbottoned down to there and look like they’re just off the “Saturday Night Fever” set. The stereotype was bad enough when it was a short skit on “Saturday Night Live,” over a decade ago, when Sandler and guest host Tom Hanks used bad Israeli accents and blasphemed my religion, citing the Jewish sabbath as some reason to defraud customers. But in this movie, it’s non-stop. In fact, the whole movie is like a bad SNL skit that shouldn’t have gone on past the first minute when the joke got old.
And, yes, Israelis, like Americans, wore jean shorts when they were in style. But Sandler wears them like that’s the Israeli uniform. It ain’t. You think Israelis are cheesy dolts, Adam. We get it.
The hummus joke wasn’t funny when he brushed his teeth with it. Even less funny when he uses it as hair mousse and to put out a fire.
Oh, and by the way, the fire was set by his evil whitebread landlord who is the common enemy of the Israelis and the Muslims in this movie. Oh, now I get it–the American Muslims who repeatedly send me rape, torture, and death threats are not my real enemy. It’s corporate America and evil developers–who make my life far more civilized than the Greater Barbaria that is the Muslim world–whom I should despise.
Yes, the message in this movie is that, Muslims and Jews, Palestinians/Lebanese and Israelis all get along here in America and don’t hate each other in the least. Sad that the 10,000 Muslim Lebanese and Palestinians who marched daily–and made anti-Semitic slogans de riguer in their speeches and signage–in Dearborn, during the 2006 Israel-Hezbollah war, didn’t get the Sandler memo.
Our real enemy is not each other, goes the Sandler didactic. It’s Whitey and corporate America. Gee, and I thought that was Michelle Obama’s enemy, not mine. Silly me.
A few celebs have cameos in this movie–Henry Winkler, Mariah Carey, and Chris Rock, to name a few. But their brief appearances are like attending an Adam Sandler PC beach party, of which this silly movie is the onscreen equivalent.
Do yourself a favor and watch the 2-minute trailers for this movie. You’ll see most of what’s funny in this movie and save yourself ten bucks.
Other than what’s in the trailer for this movie, there’s very little that made me chuckle and a lot that made me groan. An Arab terrorist training Rocky-style to fight Zohan, made me laugh. He runs up a desert sand dune to the tune of “Gonna Fly Now,” the Rocky theme song, played by the Mid-Eastern Oud instrument. Then, there was an Arab Sheik’s request that Mariah Carey sign a photo, “All I Want for Ramadan is You.”
But other than that, this movie does to Israel and the Jews what Bin Laden, Hezbollah, and HAMAS could not, in defaming them on the silver screen in wide release in theaters across America and around the world.
Israeli newspaper Ha’Aretz reported that Sandler sought to fend off Hollywood criticism of his movie as “The Israeli Movie.” Well, he succeeded in spades.
This movie is high quality Bin Laden Cinema. Allahu Shampoo & Conditioner.
Take Adam Sandler’s advice: Don’t Mess with “Zohan.” Stay home.