By Debbie Schlussel
If you wonder why most of America’s women are stupid (and voted for Barack Hussein Obama), it’s not just a lack of critical thinking skills. It’s that they blindly consume and absorb the absolute nonsense that their gurus, Oprah and the hags of “The View,” spew into their empty noggins.
Take the outrage on Friday’s edition of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Every Friday, HRHSBotU (Her Royal Highness–or Hugeness–Supreme Being of the Universe) Oprah has on her three “commentators” to gush over her and say the obvious, the stupid, and the ridiculous about news topics. The three are Mark Consuelos a/k/a Mr. Kelly Ripa, whose claim to fame is that he was a male stripper–and completely nude dancer–and is now sleeping with and married to the co-hostess of “Live with Regis and Kelly”; HOprah’s lover, oops, I mean . . . “best friend” Gayle King; and Alexandra Wentworth, an unfunny comedienne, who is married to George Stephanopolous and badly needs an eyelift.

Mark Consuelos, Oprah Commentator/Ex-Nude Dancer, Says Madoff Worse Than 9/11
(Islamist Oprah by Six Meat Buffet)
This past Friday, Consuelos–remember, his major credential is that he was a nude male stripper, er . . . “exotic dancer”–said that having the Madoff last name is like having the Bin Laden last name, that “when people remember the worst event in history, they’ll remember what Madoff did.”
Um, hello . . . ? Yes, it’s tragic that greedy rich people lost their money when they failed to investigate and ask themselves, “Gee, how is this guy able to come up with these kinds of consistently huge financial returns?” Yes, it’s sad that some middle class people foolishly put all of their retirement eggs in one basket with this Ponzi schemer, Madoff, and lost everything. And yes, Bernard Madoff deserves to go to jail for the rest of his life.
But let’s get a little sense of proportion and a tad of perspective here, something that is hard to do, apparently, when your former uniform was a micr-mini Speedo banana hammock. Comparing people losing their money–in part through their own bad investment that they made of their own volition–to the murder of 3,000 Americans by Islamic terrorists? HUH? To say that this is the worst event in U.S. history? These people who invested with Madoff are all still alive. No one hijacked their planes, slit their throats, and flew them into buildings. No one took them away from their families forever and made it so that the buildings in which they worked collapsed on top of them.
Well, if you’re a male stripper with even less historical knowledge or background than, say, an average American 7th grader would have (though I think I’m overestimating today’s American education), I guess you would say that.
It figures if you got your start from “shaking your money maker,” that must be the sole knowledge base from which you make your pronouncements on the world.
And, of course, the pandering Oprah agreed with all of this baloney.
Ah, yes, this is what American women who watch Oprah–the most influential person on television–will now regurgitate, the ignorant historical perspective of a man who took his clothes off and simulated sex for a living.
And you wonder why America is messed up.

By Debbie Schlussel
Recently, I reported on the gaudy Rainbow Castle swing set Barack Obama bought for his daughters and had White House slaves assemble for him.
I was aghast that Obama would tell Americans to tighten their belts and tax them to death, yet have no qualms about spending $3,500 on a swing set, which all press reports, from The Chicago Tribune to Obama-friendly US Magazine to the UK’s Times of London, noted was the cost.
But reader Mike said the swing set cost was actually over $10,000, which he knew because he bought one for his children several years ago.

Mainstream Media Lied About Obama Pimped-Out $10K Swing Set
Well, Mike was right. My friend, Mary, asked for a quote on the Obama swing set and got this e-mail from the company, Rainbow Recreation:

From: Chris Todeschini ctodeschini@rrofmi.com
Subject: Price
To: Mary
Date: Monday, March 9, 2009, 10:10 AM
The price for the set that you requested is normally $10,074 it is on sale for $6,679. Look at the Sunshine Castle on page 10. They are basically the same set the price for the sunshine is a little cheaper though. Normally $8,495 on sale for $5,632. Please call with any questions between the two, it is a little difficult to describe in an e-mail. Looking forward to talking with you.
Chris Todeschini
Sales
Rainbow Recreation of Michigan

As you can see, none of the figures comes close to the $3,500 figure the press reported.
The point here is that the press lied–and so did Rainbow Recreation–about the truly exorbitant cost of the Obama swing set to protect the Obamas from bad publicity. Yet again, the mainstream media was working full time on behalf of the Obamas to make us think that they don’t live like the rich elites that they are.
Read how the Chicago Tribune and Rainbow Recreation tried to downplay this absurd extravagance from a President who tells the rest of us to spend as he says, not as he does:

Despite all its bells, whistles and brass plates, the girls’ set is not the most extravagant set in the company’s catalog. Other sets come with spiral slides, spacious lofts and massive tricolored tents.
“The Obamas made a very conservative choice,” Barrus said. “It’s absolutely not over the top.”

Uh, yes it is. Nice try, attempting to sell us on this “regular Joe swing set” stuff.
Rainbow officials told a different story to The Washington Post, but they still low-balled the cost. And guess what? President Obama got a special discount. Hmmm . . . remember his claims about ethics:

The Rainbow Castle has been “tricked out with lots of bells and whistles,” says owner Greg Foster, including swings, a climbing wall, a rope ladder, a slide, monkey bars and a “penthouse with a double bubble.” (Translation: an upper-level fort with two Plexiglas windows that are deep enough to climb inside.)

Geez, it sounds like another episode of MTV’s “Pimp My Swing Set.”

For this special customer, Foster also threw in a picnic table with brass plates engraved with the names of all the U.S. presidents. “We’re very proud that the first family chose our swing set,” says Foster, “and that we built something that’s going to be part of White House history.”
Similar play sets cost about $7,000, Foster says, but the Obamas received a price break. “I’m not saying they didn’t get a good deal, but they did pay for it,” he says.

It’s getting really annoying–this “the Obamas are down-to-earth regular people” ploy the press is pushing on us. These people–who dine on arugula, shop at Whole Paycheck, er . . . Foods, buy and wear gazillion dollar designer clothes from Barneys and haute couture designers, and buy their daughters a showy $3,500, er . . . $7,000, er . . . $10,000-plus swing set–are not regular Joes.
Not by any stretch.

By Debbie Schlussel

The criminal charges against two different Dearbornistan, Michigan cops, today–neither of them Muslim–illustrate the reach of Islamic corruption when Muslims control a city.

First, there is the arrest and charges against Dearborn Police Officer Gino Soave for tax evasion. Sadly, neither pan-Islamist Republican Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox–who charged him–nor the federal authorities are saying what’s really going on here. But I think I know, and it’s apparently tied to Hezbollah and a Shi’ite Islamic drug dealer.

Pan-Islamist Michigan Atty Gen Mike Cox (Left) Not Telling Whole Story

on Policeman Gino Soave’s (Right) Hezbo Love Boat

(Hezbollah Love Boat by David Lunde/Lundesigns)

For a long time, Soave was Dearbornistan’s “counterterrorism” officer. But, at the same time, he was also the partner of–and, many say, co-conspirator with–fired Dearborn police officer Daniel Saab, a Lebanese Shi’ite Muslim who was Dearborn’s Muslim community policing officer and who featured Hezbollah posters at his office in the Dearborn public library. Saab was convicted for the criminal stalking of a Michigan State Senator, and his testimony at that trial places him at the firebombing of a Dearbornistan City Councilman’s car.

Yet, somehow, despite all of this, he somehow remained on the Dearbornistan police force. Actually, not really “somehow”–both he and Officer Gino Soave were protected by then-Dearbornistan Mayor Michael Guido, who was taking bribes from indicted fugitive Hezbollah financier Talal Chahine and apparently other Dearbornistan Hezbollah agents I’ve written about on this site.

Saab was well-known as Guido’s and Chahine’s enforcer and did that work for other Shi’ite Muslims under investigation by the feds for Islamic terrorism. Hassan Harajli, the controversial Muslim gas station owner under such investigation, allegedly sent Saab and another Dearborn police officer (which may have been Soave) to Harajli’s sister’s house to either rough up, set up, or kill her husband, after they lent Harajli over half a million dollars, according to his sister.

Saab showed up at her house uninvited, she says, and he eventually arrested her husband for no legitimate reason. Part of the story is backed up in press accounts, and criminal court cases against Mr. Harajli and two other men he sent to beat and allegedly kill his brother-in-law. Mr. Harajli also had Hezbollah operatives kidnap his brother-in-law.

Former police officer Saab managed to beat a federal indictment, last year, accusing him of trying to coerce witnesses to fabricate testimony. But it was alleged that Saab conspired with a man known as “Haidar”–a figure apparently tied into that case–to use the badge to shake down people for illegal drugs and then re-sell those drugs to others for profit.

It was believed by many Dearborn residents and sources that Gino Soave–once the Dearborn counterterrorism guy–was in on the take from Hezbollah’s Chahine and/or Shi’ite Muslim drug dealer “Haidar.”
Now that Soave has been charged with lying about the $285,000 price of a boat he purchased–and apparently use to launder a large amount of money which he could not have earned on his salary as a Dearbornistan police officer–it appears those beliefs have been borne out.

While authorities are claiming Soave forged a bill of sale and under-reported the price to avoid paying $12,000 more in taxes, that is not the real reason he lied about the cost of the boat. He was clearly trying to launder money–over $200,000–which he apparently gained illicitly and the existence of which he wanted to hide.

Note the name of the boat, the name of strippers from the mafia show, “The Sopranos.” Officer Soave may not have worked for the Italian mob, but it appears he worked for the Muslim mob. How do you say, “Bada Bing” in Arabic? Perhaps, he should have called his boat “Mabrook [(You Are) Blessed] V” or “Moumtaz [Excellent] V.” Or the most appropriate names “Ya Ya Hezbollah V!” or “Alhamdillullah [Praise Allah] V.”

A Dearborn police officer was arrested for tax evasion and fraud related to the purchase of a 54-foot boat christened the Bada Bing V. . . .

Gino Soave, 42, of Dearborn Heights was charged with on one count of forgery, a 14-year felony; one count of uttering and publishing, a 14-year felony; and one count of tax fraud, a five-year felony. . . .
Soave forged a bill of sale to the Secretary of State’s office stating that the sale price of the boat was $77,000 when in fact the original sales documents show a price of $285,000. By understating the price, Soave paid $12,000 less in taxes.

As you can see, the media story–and that of Michigan’s pan-Islamist Attorney General Mike Cox–is not the story of what’s actually going on here. As usual, Cox is covering up the Islamic bribery that comprised the boat money.

Cox didn’t find out about this faked bill of sale because he’s such a great investigator and looks at these things with a fine tooth-comb. Clearly, the feds or Michigan State Police have been watching Soave’s every move to find out where the money they suspected he was getting was going. They don’t investigate the bill of sale for every person buying a boat and paying taxes on it. There was a reason for this. He’s been watched. And not by Cox, who tends to look the other way on Muslims and crime. He wants their votes when he runs for Governor.

Then, there’s Dearbornistan Police Officer Alex Brian Ramirez. He worked with 20-year-old Shi’ite Muslim civilian Hassan Hojaije to broker the fixing of tickets in exchange for bribes from the Muslims against whom the tickets were issued.

You know, that’s how it’s done in the Muslim world. And when the Muslim world takes over an American city, their values rule the day.

A Dearborn police officer was charged with several felonies today in connection with a ticket-fixing scheme, prosecutors said.

Cpl. Alex Brian Ramirez, 42, was arraigned in 19th District Court on felony charges of embezzlement and bribery by a public official, misconduct in office, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to obstruct justice, larceny in a building and a misdemeanor charge of nonperformance of duty. The crimes are punishable by up to 10 years in prison.

Judge Mark Somers ordered Ramirez held on $50,000 bond and a tether if he posts.

A civilian, Hassan Hojaije, 20, was also charged in connection with the alleged bribery scheme. Both men are Dearborn residents. He is to be arraigned on charges of obstruction of justice, conspiracy to obstruct justice and bribery. The charges against Hojaije, who released on a personal bond, carry potential penalties of up to five years in prison.

Dearbornistan Police Officer Alex Ramirez Took Bribes From Muslims to Fix Tickets

Mainstream media reports keep reporting these two officers’ incidents are unrelated. But they are, indeed, related. “Religion of Peace,” baby.
Dearbornistan, whatta country. When do we install the checkpoints? (Sadly, it’s too late for that. They’re all over the place and so are their third world “values.”)

By Debbie Schlussel
Two egomaniac phonies populated one radio show today and there wasn’t nearly enough room to fit their combined conceit and non-existent credentials/knowledge base.
Yup, Sean Hannity–today, on his nationally syndicated radio show–hosted anti-Israel advice charlatan “Dr.” Phil. The only two people in the world whose mammoth pomposity is a veritable mirror–Vannity and the fake “doctor” shared a microphone. And they probably should have shared a bed, such was the mutual admiration society of these two disgusting walking exercises in vapidity.

Egomaniacs Separated @ Birth
Incredible, Vannity had faux-doctor Phil on to dispense “Financial Advice.” His financial knowledge consisted of such Wall Street savvy gems as “Ahm givin’ ya a big hug over the radio” and other pseudo-honky-tonk psychobabble.
My favorite part was when he was telling a woman how to get a loan, when she and her husband had already been rejected by a bank.
Incredible. This guy isn’t even a real doctor. And now he’s a financial guru.
To paraphrase this mustachioed fraud, “An’ howz that workin’ for ya?” It reminds me when his wife, Mrs. Phil, went on Oprah to give women advice about menopause and depression. Hello . . . you’re not a doctor, Bride of Phil-enstein. You’re not even a fake doctor, the way your hubby is. Oh, and that was after she wrote a women’s advice book (I advise you to marry a rich dude with a dumb talk show). When the heck will these people have some sense of shame? Or, at least, a tad of humility.
“Dr.” Phil’s uber-twaddle and psycho-hucksterism is supposed to be conservatism? Or financial advice? Hilarious. Sean Vannity is showing his cracks (and brain on crack), big-time. There’s no “there,” there. What’s next–Jerry Springer? (In real life, he’s actually smarter than both of those idiots, when he doesn’t pay prostitutes with checks.)
My definition of a true fairness doctrine: when both of these empty shells disappear from our airwaves. Neither would be missed.

By Debbie Schlussel
As I’ve repeatedly said on this site, we are NOT safer than before 9/11. We are LESS safe.
Here’s yet another stellar example of how easy it is for terrorists to impersonate Americans and get the real–not fake–documents to prove it.
Attention, Terrorists:

Using phony documents and the identities of a dead man and a 5-year-old boy, a government investigator obtained U.S. passports in a test of post-9/11 security.
Despite efforts to boost passport security since the 2001 terror attacks, the investigator fooled passport and postal service employees four out of four times, according to a new report.

Shukran [“Thanks,” in Arabic] for the Easy Passport, America

The ruses are detailed in a report being issued this week by the Government Accountability Office. A draft summary of the findings was obtained by The Associated Press.
In one instance, the investigator used the Social Security number of a man who died in 1965, a fake New York birth certificate and a fake Florida driver’s license. He received a passport four days later.
In another attempt, the investigator used a 5-year-old boy’s information but identified himself as 53 years old on the passport application. He received that passport seven days later.
In another test, the investigator used fake documents to get a genuine Washington D.C. identification card. He then used the card to apply for a passport and received it the same day.
In a fourth test, the investigator used a fake New York birth certificate and a fake West Virginia driver’s license and got the passport eight days later.

Blame the State Department, which issues U.S. passports. And don’t think that Citizenship and Immigration Services, which issues green cards, citizenship, and certain visas, is any different. It isn’t.
Still feel safer since 9/11? Only if you’re an idiot. The only thing we did after 9/11 was treat average American citizens like Islamic terrorists, Islamic terrorists like average American citizens, and pay more tax money to create a giant, bloated, ineffective bureaucracy otherwise known as the Department of Homeland Security.
EXIT Question: Gee, I wonder if I can successfully apply for a passport as Jason Bourne? Bet I could.

By Debbie Schlussel
When I first reviewed the anti-Israel movie, “Waltz with Bashir,” I got a ton of e-mails saying things like, “Well, my Israeli friend saw it and liked it.” Or, “My Jewish friend recommended it.” In these cases, I say, don’t rely on the Jews to decide for you what is pro-Israel and what isn’t. It’s like telling me, “Well, my best friend is Black.” Uh-huh. Whatever.
This story is yet another example of this.
Regardless of the stereotype that Jews are smart people (and in average IQ terms, studies bear that out), some Jews are extremely dense when it comes to fighting America’s and the Jews’ enemies–I refer to the Jews who voted for Barack Obama and those who run the Jewish community establishments and fiefdoms around America. If you slap the label “Israel” or “Israeli” (or Democrat) on something, they seem to lose all sense of discernment and just plain common sense, like when the “Israeli” thing they push is actually anti-Israel.

Anti-Israel Waltz with Islamic Terrorists
Such is the case with the Jewish Federation of Grand Rapids, which is hosting the anti-Israel movie, “Waltz With Bashir,” which as I’ve noted is high quality Bin Laden cinema. It’s one of the most anti-Israel movies I’ve ever seen, if not the most.
The Jewish Federations are the self-appointed spokespeople and welfare organizations in each major city. They are usually dominated by left-wing Jews who have money and silly ideology, but not much in the brain cell department. Apparently, the Grand Rapids, Michigan Jewish Federation is no different.
A reader from Grand Rapids received this notice:

From: Jewish Federation of GR Info@jfgr.org
Subject: This Sunday …
Date: Thursday, March 12, 2009, 1:33 PM
Dear Community Members:
This Sunday . . . you are invited to My2Cents with John Serba, of the Grand Rapids Press, to the screening and discussion of
Oscar-nominated Israeli animated film “Waltz with Bashir,” 1 p.m., March 15 at Celebration Cinema North.

A “discussion”? I hope they discuss how stupid they are. Oh, and by the way, these Federation brainiacs never even saw the movie, but they heard “Israel,” and they immediately felt the need to gush.
The reader from Grand Rapids complained and describes the response:

You would NOT believe how fast I received a telephone call from our Fed director. Nobody from the Federation screened the movie before planning the event.
I asked the $64 question: Did anyone SEE the movie before planning this event?
The answer: “Well… Sari Cohen is our program director and a friend of hers saw it–an Israeli no less–and recommended it.”
In other words, NOBODY from the Federation office screened this movie before announcing an event complete with the presence of a REPORTER from the GRAND RAPIDS PRESS.

Yup, that’s par for the course. And it’s why you can’t rely on the Jewish establishment to decide what’s good for the Jews or Israel.

By Debbie Schlussel
It would be intellectually dishonest to pretend that the Bush Administration didn’t start finishing off the concept of “enemy combatants,” which spans U.S. history. The Bushies backtracked and wimped out on court cases–specifically the Abdullah Al-Muhajir a/k/a Jose Padilla case–in which they planned to treat certain Islamic terrorists as enemy combatants on our own soil. At least, the Bushies wimped out only on calling Americans–not everybody else–“enemy combatants.”
But now the Obama Administration has put the final nail in the coffin, doing away entirely with the use of the “enemy combatant” term we’ve used in America for almost two centuries–even against foreigners bent on America’s destruction. And with that, Islamic terrorists will be treated the same as common criminals. People who planned to get dirty bombs and explode them over America will be treated no differently than bank robbers, drunk drivers, and embezzlers. Heck, if they were tried in federal court (which usually excludes drunk drivers but not the other two categories), they’ll be sharing the same prison cell.

No Longer “Enemy Combatant,” Now Just Joe Criminal
And, de facto, terrorism against Americans will be no worse than those crimes in the eyes of the law.
Although, in this case, the Obama people focused on Gitmo detainees, the fact is that it now applies to everyone–no-one will ever again be treated as our enemy. They’ll be just another clinical criminal in the American prison laboratory of crazy.
Congrats, America:

The Obama administration is abandoning one of President George W. Bush’s key phrases in the war on terrorism: enemy combatant In court filings Friday, the Justice Department said it will no longer use the term to justify holding prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Corrrection: Abandoning it after Bush began abandoning it.

Obama still asserts the military’s authority to hold detainees at the U.S. naval base in Cuba. But his Justice Department says that authority comes from Congress and the international laws of war, not from the president’s own wartime power as Bush had argued.
The Obama administration’s position came in response to a deadline by U.S. District Judge John Bates, who is overseeing lawsuits of detainees challenging their detention. Bates asked the administration to give its definition of whom the United States may hold as an “enemy combatant.”
The filing back’s [DS: sic] Bush’s stance on the authority to hold detainees, even if they were not captured on the battlefield in the course of hostilities. In their lawsuits, detainees have argued that only those who directly participated in hostilities should be held. . . .
Attorney General Eric Holder also submitted a declaration to the court outlining President Barack Obama’s efforts to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility within a year and determine where to place the 240 people held there. He said there could be “further refinements” to the administration’s position as that process goes on.

“Refinements”? That’s fertilizer speak for backtracks a/k/a flip-flops.

“Promptly determining the appropriate disposition of those detained at Guantanamo Bay is a high priority for the president,” Holder wrote.

And a high priority for Al-Qaeda. Hmmm . . . Two out of three idiots (Obama, Bin Laden, Bush) agree: Close Gitmo.

“The particular facts and circumstances justifying detention will vary from case to case, and may require the identification and analysis of various analogues from traditional international armed conflicts,” the government lawyers wrote. “Accordingly, the contours of the `substantial support’ and `associated forces’ bases of detention will need to be further developed in their application to concrete facts in individual cases.”

“Various analogues from traditional international armed conflicts”?
Ah, so it HAMAS throws Fatah off twelve-story buildings–you know, in their traditional armed conflicts, I guess that goes.
We’re going to let all the nuts and nutty nations fighting each other around the world decide how we treat those bent on destroying our country.
Say good-bye to American sovereignty . . . and American safety and security.

By Debbie Schlussel
I won’t repeat my columns on tattoos here, except to say that, especially on women, they’re sleazy. We know who the guy at the bar is gonna try to pick up–and most likely succeed in doing so–at bar time. The chick with the tattoo. It’s a cue. It says, I didn’t think twice about repeatedly stabbing myself with a needle and gloriously sporting a permanent scar, so I’m gonna be as easy with whatever else I get inserted into me.
Yeah, I know, not right for me to judge. Not for me to say that tattoos are the Official Mark of Skankdom or give out Darwin Tattoo Awards. It’s now “fashion,” “a trend.” Blah, blah, blah.
Well now, you can start your young toddlers and kiddies early with tramp stamps and tattoo “art.”

Cockeyed.com Photos: Toys “R” Us Markets Tramp Stamps for Kids
First, there’s Toys “R” Us. It’s bad enough they’re selling “Watchmen” lunchboxes to kids. But, now, as Cockeyed: Citizen reports the company is selling Tramp Stamp stickers, so your six-year-old can have a tattoo sticker just above her rear end. You know what tramp stamps are: the tattoos some idiotic women get on their lower backs to basically tell the viewer, “Insert Here.” They urge your daughters to “Collect All 10 Designs.” Excellent.
Then, there is the new line of “‘Miami Ink’ Ruthless and Toothless” tattoo clothes for toddlers:

Meet the latest targeted consumers of tattoo art: the pacifier set.
Four artists from the Love Hate Tattoo studio who came to fame through TLC’s Miami Ink reality series have launched Ruthless & Toothless, a fashion line for tots. . . .
”We’re kind of making it baby-ish,” said tattoo master and Ruthless co-owner Chris Garver.

Quick, get your kid hooked on tattoos to prep her for the real thing, when she gets “all growed up.” I hear Hell’s Angels is keeping a seat (and a bed at the hourly-rate motel) warm.
Can’t wait ’til your son grows up to look like Travis Barker or Dennis Rodman (or the various most-used-piece-of-equipment-in-the-gym women underneath them).

Your Kids Can Be Marked Men, Like Travis Barker, Dennis Rodman

By Debbie Schlussel
Yes, it’s still early in 2009. But I have the DebbieSchlussel.com Baby Daddy of the Year Award winner all figured out. And, no, it isn’t Palin baby daddy Levi Johnston. Not even close. It’s Travis Henry. (Yeah, I know, I already nominated him in 2007. But he’s still the king of baby daddies, and he’s now back in the news whining about it.)
So many American males dream of being a pro athlete. They imagine tens of thousands in a stadium cheering them on. And then there’s the women–the groupies, the money, the fame. And, oh, yeah, the women.
Well, as the story of former NFL player Travis Henry illustrates, having an Islamic-style harem when you’re not a Saudi sheikh has its problems–problems for which the American taxpayers and American society will have to pay. I last wrote about Henry when he had garnishment orders for nine different children he fathered with nine different women in six different states. This guy is the sperm donor version of Johnny Appleseed. He’s sorta like the male version of the OctoMom Palestinian chick. And about as loathsome.

And nine kids won’t have a father. How many grow up to become criminals? Baby daddies (or baby mamas), themselves? High school drop-outs and drug users? Most of ’em, the statistics say.
As I noted back in 2007, Henry had a $25 million contract. He had a $100,000 car and spent $146,000 on jewelry. That’s why you’ll have to pay for his nine progeny.
Now this multi-millionaire cretin, who listens to his sex-seeking instinct no differently than a non-thinking animal, says he’s broke.
So sad, too bad. Would love to be a fly on the wall (or the videographer) at the Henry family reunion.
Memo to pro athletes: If you’re gonna live like Bin Laden (and have as many concubines and kids), make sure you–not American taxpayers–pick up the tab.

By Debbie Schlussel
This weekend is prime for staying home and renting. The “choices” as the box office are bad remake movies (not that the originals were good or necessarily better). Hey, Hollywood, come up with some original–and more worthy–ideas.
* “Race to Witch Mountain“: When I was a kid, I begged my parents to take me to the Witch Mountain movies–“Escape from Witch Mountain” and “Return to Witch Mountain.” (And I begged my mom to let me go on the “Witch Mountain” roller coaster ride at Disney World, where she almost dropped me like five stories, and we were scared to death.)
I don’t remember the original Witch Mountain movies I saw, but I remember liking them and finding them charming. I can’t say the same for Disney’s latest incarnation of this movie, “Race to Witch Mountain,” which stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Carla Gugino, and two blond kids I never heard of.

There’s nothing offensive about this movie, and it’s fine to take your kids. But it was old hat, lame, unoriginal, and unexciting. The thing about the original Space Mountain movies and many Disney big screen properties is that they’re magical and filled with wonder. This wasn’t. It was just dull and formulaic. It might have worked in the early 1970s. But, today, in the age of Wall-E and even the lesser “Nim’s Island,” this movie seems unsophisticated for kids. It’s just too simple. I felt like, “Been there, seen that.” Ho-hum.
The story: Two alien kids come to earth, on behalf of their parents, to show their planet that they can regenerate the planet’s energy and survive, instead of taking over our earth and destroying us. They end up in ex-con Johnson’s Los Vegas cab, and after doubting them, he helps them on their mission, with the help of a discredited female scientist in town for an outer space/science fiction convention. At the same time, they are also fleeing government agents and scientists who want to dissect them, and mobsters who are after Johnson.
Like I said, nothing really wrong with this movie. Just nothing exciting or noteworthy. I thought it was boring, and it put me to sleep. But it’s fine for your kids.
ONE REAGAN

* “The Last House on the Left“: This is a remake of Wes Craven’s 1972 torture/rape/snuff-porn flick of the same name. And while it’s better than the ’72 flick, that’s like saying completely extreme crap is slightly better than almost extreme crap.
You get what you expect here–gratuitous, grotesque violence of all varieties. But why would you seek this out?
Torture/snuff-porn movies like this have no purpose other than to satisfy some warped moviegoers’ need for bloodlust. The movie was vile, sickening, and depraved. And we wonder why violent crime and the depravity of criminal acts is escalating, as its portrayal onscreen escalates. What’s on the screen influences what’s on the street.
The story–of a daughter (Sara Paxton, who “graduated” from starring in kids’ show “Darcy’s Wild Life” in 2006 to starring in rape/torture porn), who is raped and left for dead by violent, sick criminals, who are then tortured and killed by her parents (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn)–doesn’t provide the satisfaction of, say, “Death Wish,” or “Taken.” The revenge is sick–not as sick as the crime, unfortunately. And while it is the least that is deserved by the criminals, it doesn’t justify sitting through the onscreen portrayal of disgusting, unhuman criminal acts of savagery and sheer animal behavior. This movie is just gratuitous violence for the sake of it.
I nearly walked out (and would have, had I not been reviewing this) during the disgusting rape scene and other shots of a woman being stabbed and cut with knives. These were slightly less offensive than similar scenes in the 1972 version. But not by much.
Some movie critics were disgusted with the cheering on of revenge by the family and planned to write about it. But, to me, that was the only “redeeming” part of seeing this, though not nearly redeeming enough for this violent piece of garbage. There is one part of the revenge involving a sink, which is shocking. But this kind of shocking shouldn’t be in R-rated movies. It should be restricted to NC-17 products. I already saw the same incident of violence in a William Devane movie, “Rolling Thunder” (which has a similar revenge-against-criminals theme and which is also distasteful in its bloodlust, though not as much as here). It’s vomit-inducing and simply not necessary.
Of note, part of the revenge which people liked was when the parents waterboarded one of the criminal thugs who left their daughter for dead after raping her. It’s the second movie I remember where viewers audibly enjoyed the waterboarding of criminal scum (the first was “Passenger 57,” when Wesley Snipes waterboards a terrorist hijacker in the plane’s toilet). And so they should–this is what we want (minus the rape and torture scenes that come before it). The bad guys deserve it. It’s interesting that we’re told by liberals that we can’t waterboard Islamic terrorists who want to kill thousands of Americans, but Americans justifiably love when we waterboard criminals who tried to rape and kill two women on a movie screen.
If you allow your kids–no matter how old they are–to go to this, you need to be locked up (and yes, despite what “Watchmen” fans still lurking on this site may say, I saw that parents still don’t care about exposing their young kids to this garbage–see my column on “The Morons Who Take Their Kids to ‘Friday the 13th‘”). Like I said, it’s rated “R,” but stuff like this deserves an NC-17.
If you need to ask why, after what I’ve already written, here’s a great tongue-in-cheek spoiler quote from my friend, fellow critic Corey Hall: “It’s the best microwaved head movie scene ever.”
This movie left me cold . . . and angry that it will be a hit at the box office. America, you’re warped.
FOUR MARXES PLUS

Hear me talk more about this weekend’s new movie releases on “The Mike Church Show” on the Sirius Patriot Channel 144, this morning, after 10:30 a.m. Eastern Time.