By Debbie Schlussel

File this under: What NOT To Read. Or under, Things We Need Like a Bullet to the Head.

Maybe it should be called, “Failed Love Advice From a Jew-Hater.” That might sell more copies.

Whoopi Goldberg, longtime ABC’s “The View” hag, has written a book giving America something it definitely doesn’t need more of–or any of, from her: relationship advice. Goldberg–“The View’s” resident moon-landing denier/NASA space film narrator, 9/11 Muslim terrorist denier, Roman Polansky rape defender (“not rape rape”), Mel Gibson and Helen tHAMAS Jew-hatred defender, Israel-hater, unfunny comedienne (repetitive phrase), pseudo-lesbian, and hideous shoe wearer (see also, here)–has been married and divorced three times. She is also a 59-year-old great-grandmother, who became a great-grandma far earlier than that. Plus she had a relationship with a far-left White actor who hung out in black face (Ted Danson) and she defended that. And, now, you, too, can have a “successful” love life like that, courtesy of Caryn Elaine Johnson (Goldberg’s real name).

What’s Whoopi Goldberg’s view of relationships? “If someone says ‘You complete me,’ run!” says the star, who’s happily single. It’s also the title of her new book from Hachette, which sports the subtitle: “Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships.” The plain-spoken funny lady isn’t afraid to tell the world what she thinks (her 2010 book Is It Just Me? Or Is It Nuts Out There?, enumerated several hundred pages’ worth of pet peeves). Her new self-help book offers anything but typical “how to get and keep a man” advice. . . .

She thinks single women should be able to have sex without being judged (“After a certain age you’re not going to get pregnant, go get laid!”). And she doesn’t understand people who are afraid to be alone. As for another go at romance? Is Goldberg – who writes that she’s busy just trying to figure out what her “evil” cat Oliver wants — open to it?

Oh, and she also recommends cheating and casual sex. Yeah, that’s the ticket to a good relationship. Uh-huh.

On casual sex: “There’s nothing wrong with a booty call, because sometimes you just want to hit it and run. Especially if it’s Jean-Paul Belmondo.” . . .

On extramarital sex: “Sometimes in a relationship, people can’t always get what they need, and if you have reputable people you can turn to in order to get what you need, I say go for it. It is a whole lot better than being frustrated and angry at the person you love.”

Frankly, a book by Goldberg–who is 59 and looks 79–on how she is the only Black woman in America to defy “Black don’t crack,” would be more interesting. Just sayin’.

As for her “relationship advice,” it’s best told to her mirror . . . or to the garbage can . . . or to the birds whose cages it wouldn’t be fit to line.