July 23, 2017, - 11:37 pm
Weekend Box Office: Dunkirk, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, Girls Trip
Despite the hype and gushing from other movie critics, I found little to like about any of the new movies in theaters this weekend, including the Batman director’s “World War II” movie, which is a politically correct joke.
* Dunkirk – Rated PG-13: The vast fraternity of mainstream (a/k/a liberal) movie critics is gushing over this, which generally means only one thing: it’s horrible. And that truism is applicable here. I hated this.
And I think one of the reasons the groupthink critics love this, is that there are no Nazis to see. No swastikas whatsoever. Even though in real life, the Nazis were the ones who pushed British and French soldiers to the beach at Dunkirk during World War II, you wouldn’t know it by watching this slog of a snuff film. Director Christopher Nolan deliberately excluded anything with a hint of Nazi to it because he said he didn’t want to get into “politics” and wanted to make it “universal.” It reminds me of far-left nutjob Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” (read my review), the 9/11 flick that would have you believe the culprits could be outer space aliens or some other unknown malefactor, as no Muslims are seen as perpetrators in any way, shape or form. This lack of depicting the identity of mortal enemies is despicable. And this movie is, therefore, despicable. I guess we don’t want to offend 1) Germans, 2) all of the Muslims around the world who think Hitler was a great guy and who’ve made Mein Kampf an evergreen best-seller on the Muslim street, and 3) everyone else who hates the West and celebrates those who mass murder Western soldiers. I guess this should be no surprise, given that one of the stars of this is an anti-Semitic Israel-boycotting scumbag.
On top of that, the movie is a dud. It’s loud, noisy, disjointed, and choppy. And a total bore. Sure, there is lots (and lots and lots and lots more) loud, urgent music throughout (bring your earplugs, as I did). But there is really no story. There are just three sets of actors in three vignettes that have nary a plot to be spoken of. The story of Dunkirk–of Nazis brutally driving Allied soldiers to the beach to pick them off while they were on ships, waiting to board ships, and the like–deserved to be told. But it really wasn’t told here. Instead, we are treated to multiple scenes of bombings of ships, of soldiers brutally drowning. The killing is vivid, way too vivid, and it hits you over the head over and over again–and, as noted previously, without letting you know who is doing the killing. Also, the dialogue hard to understand because the British accents are so heavy, the dialogue so fast and muffled, the music superimposed upon it so loud, and so on, that I needed a British Ebonics translator (and none was offered).
The aforementioned three vignettes are interspersed with each other. The first is a French soldier and a British one who barely escape the Nazi onslaught in the city and at the beach, they seize a stretcher with a wounded soldier on it, thinking it will get them ahead of the long lines of soldiers waiting to board the ships. But, by doing so, they aren’t escaping disaster, but rather chasing it, as the ships get attacked. Then, there is a British pilot (Tom Hardy) who is trying to stop the German pilots (you’d hardly know they are German because, again, they don’t tell you and the insignia isn’t there). And, finally, there is an older man who owns one of the many private boats commissioned by the British government to cross the English Channel and transport British soldiers from the beach. The man is on the ship with his teen son and the son’s friend. It should be noted that the ship owner is played by Mark Rylance, an open Jew-hater who hates Israel, supports the boycott of it, and who–as I noted on this site–had a tantrum prior to the Oscars ceremony a year or so ago, when Israel donated free trips in the goody bags of Oscar nominees and presenter.
Yes, Rylance is as sh–ty as this movie. As in, very.
ONE-AND-A-HALF MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
* Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets – Rated PG-13: This is another big-budget bore. This movie has drawn buzz because it’s the largest budgeted film ever for an “indie” movie, with a budget of $180 million. (For those unfamiliar, an indie movie is one not produced by one of the six biggest studios.) And it’s a disappointment for me because it’s written and directed by someone whose work I usually like, director/producer/writer Luc Besson. This is his pet project that he’s been dreaming of doing for years, and now it is everyone else’s movie nightmare. It’s based on a popular French series of sci-fi, futuristic comic books based on the two lead characters, Valerian and Laureline.
If you want to see the worst, most laughable, leftie, predictable elements of Avatar, Star Wars (and its sequels/prequels), Sesame Street, and other similar sci-fi movies all slapped together, then this is your movie. For everyone else, it’s unoriginal and derivative and not in an entertaining way. On top of that, stars Dane DeHaan as Valerian and Cara Delevingne as Laureline are stiff, stilted, and have zero chemistry, even though they are supposed to be romantically attracted to each other. None. Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford this is not. Not sure who cast this, but they should be fired.
The story: the various planets in the universe have banded together to form a colony and work and live together. Valerian and Laureline are crime-fighting astronauts. Valerian has a dream about a planet populated by bald, pale white aliens who wear almost nothing and who power their planet using energy from pearls. But their planet is destroyed by someone who has bombed and blown it up, and the princess gets killed in the process. Only a few members of the royal family survive. Soon, Valerian and Laureline learn that the story isn’t just a dream, but is true. And, per usual, evil, greedy, power-hungry humans (who selfishly obliterate indigenous populations) did it–their commander, to be specific. In the meantime, Valerian and Laureline investigate something allegedly going on in a virtual reality shopping mall or town (hard to tell if it’s one or the other) on a desert-like planet populated by Avatar-like creatures who look like Jar Jar Binks from the Star Wars prequel movies. Laureline is kidnapped by them and Valerian has to find her. All of it is kind of confusing because so much is going on here and there are so many characters. For instance, there are three miniature aliens who tattletale and have big mouths. They look like the character Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. And their purpose in the movie is unclear.
There are only three scenes in this movie that I enjoyed and found entertaining . . . and one of them is a striptease by Rihanna. When that’s the best thing in a movie, you know it’s not very good. At the beginning of the movie, a montage of various meetings between Earth’s astronauts and officials meeting with various aliens from outer space over the years and generations is cool. You see the various humans age and then be replaced by new ones, meeting ever more and more outlandish-looking alien creatures and shaking their hands. And the Rihanna strip routine doesn’t really involve much removal of clothing or any nudity. Rihanna is Bubbles, an imprisoned alien creature who works for Ethan Hawke, a wacky club owner. To entertain Valerian, she morphs into various characters and works the pole, but it’s not dirty. And it’s kind of entertaining . . . especially when compared with the rest of this movie. And, the third scene I enjoyed was when the leader of the Avatar-like creatures who has kidnapped Laureline, has his fellow creatures bring out various weird alien food for him to eat, and he rejects each one.
Other than that, this movie is a pointless snoozefest. And, at two hours and seventeen minutes, you have better things to do with your time . . . and your money.
HALF A MARX
Watch the trailer . . .
* Girls Night – Rated R: This is yet the latest version of some group trying to emulate the success of “The Hangover” (read my review) and failing. I didn’t like Hangover, but like most of these movies, this one makes Hangover look like a very entertaining masterpiece. There have been several female versions of Hangover, including “Bridesmaids” (read my review) and the recent bomb “Rough Night.” Now, there is this–the female Black version of Hangover. Yes, now, Black women, too, have achieved the ultimate in civil rights: the right to make a worse version of The Hangover. Congrats!
And Black audiences love this and are going to see it in droves, which is funny because it’s two hours of a female Black minstrel show and a ton of stereotypes, plus it glorifies oversexed Black women. The White people in Hollywood who made this are laughing all the way to the bank (as are the four Black female stars, who have little in common with the rest of Black America). And I’m just laughing . . . but not at the movie (it’s mostly not funny)–just at the predictable idiocy of those who race in droves to see and rave over this.
If your idea of Black women riding on a zipline over the streets of New Orleans during Mardi Gras–and urinating on the people below–is funny, then this is your movie. For everyone else, eeeuuuuwwwww! Oh, and by the way, the filmmakers are so enamored with this stupid stunt that they did it not just once, but twice. Yup, two women urinated on Mardi Gras revelers in this. Haha, funny. Not. Another scene that’s supposed to be funny: a woman simulating oral sex on a grapefruit. Uh-huh this is what passes for a movie, these days.
Other than that, the story is dopey, stupid, and predictable. And I hated everyone in this except for the character played by Queen Latifah. She was the only one with any class or sense of decency. The rest of these women are disgusting. The movie is about four Black women who were college buddies and then lost touch. They get back together when one of them–the most successful and famous of them (Regina Hall)–is invited to be a speaker at the Essence Festival. The successful one is marketing her life and marriage as perfect. But the other three women learn that her husband is cheating on her with an Instagram model.
Then, there are the uninteresting stories of the other three. One (Tiffany Haddish) is a lowlife who is loud, obnoxious, and obsessed with sex. Oh, wait, that describes at least three of these characters. Another (Jada Pinkett Smith) is a nerdy single mother who is convinced by her friends that she needs to find a man and have sex. And the third (Latifah) is a journalist who left prestigious publications to start a celebrity gossip site. But the site isn’t doing well, and all of her bills are coming due.
And, believe me, I’m making this disaster sound far better than it is, just by describing it in writing. This is a test. If you liked it, you’re a lowlife (and have little in the brain department).
On the other hand, a ton of so-called “conservatives” want Kid Rock (who videotaped girls giving him Lewinskys at his concert and did a lot of other similarly vile stuff) in the U.S. Senate. So, there are plenty of lowlifes to go around of all races and sides of the political divide.
FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Dunkirk, Dunkirk movie, Dunkirk movie review, Dunkirk review, Girls Trip, Girls Trip movie, Girls Trip movie review, Girls Trip review, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Hi Dear Debbie! Thank you for sharing and God bless you Dear Debbie! as always i tell every one! God Bless America USA God Bless Israel!with respect Tirdad.
TIRDAD GHARIB on July 24, 2017 at 10:17 am