March 24, 2016, - 4:23 pm
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – Ridiculous Penis Envy/Pissing Contest Bore
On Tuesday night, I saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Rated PG-13), which is in theaters tonight. And the only “justice” here would be to give me back that 2.5 hours of my life that I’ll never get back. The movie is an endless, unremarkable pissing contest between two dull, miserable characters in capes consumed by a “my penis is bigger than yours (or maybe yours is bigger than mine)” fight.
I went to the movie wearing a t-shirt that said, “I Like My Men Tall, Dark, and Batman” (see above). But no longer. I hated this movie, and I especially hated this Batman–the “adult” spoiled brat Batman played by “adult” spoiled brat Ben Affleck, who looked very much like an aging mobster–like his character from the box office bomb, “Gigli,” a couple of decades later. [BTW, the t-shirt’s a lie. I don’t actually like Batman. My fave is Supe. But I liked the t-shirt.]
I can’t believe Michigan taxpayers paid through the nose to subsidize this crappy movie. The money would have been better spent getting the people of Flint drinkable water. But, instead, bazillions were spent to make the movie here so one of its stars (I think I know who it is–and it isn’t Affleck or Henry Cavill) could give some chick an STD and so that leftist Democrat Senator Debbie Stab-a-cow could be the world’s most forgettable movie star as the Governor of Metropolis (and I thought Metropolis was a city, not a state).
Despite a ton of special effects and action, I was bored to tears by this movie. I even fell asleep twice and missed nothing . . . except more brooding by every single character in this confusing silver screen mess. Would it have killed Affleck (Bruce Wayne/Batman) or Henry Cavill (Clark Kent/Superman) or the self-hating Jewish Israeli Gal Gadot (Diana Prince/Wonder Woman) to smile even just once? Back in the day when superhero movies were actually decent, Christopher Reeve was generally happy. He smiled, he was a smart aleck with a wink, and you wanted to get to know him. He was likable. These guys aren’t. They’re a miserable lot–unhappy, suffering (from what, I’d love to know), and so overstuffed with angst, it made me uncomfortable and annoyed. But this is what the Millennials want. Hipsters love suffering, darkness, and feeling bad about something even though they are the most privileged, spoiled generation in history. The same goes for these superheroes (who weren’t so super in this; not even close). They are bored and unhappy, and they like darkness (their costumes, including that of Wonder Woman are darker than ever). It’s not good enough to be heroes and have magical superpowers.
So, instead, for some unexplained reason, Bruce Wayne is out to get Superman, whom he knows is Clark Kent. And for some unexplained reason, Clark Kent doesn’t like Bruce Wayne, whom he knows is Batman. And Kent mouths off some stuff about Wayne’s lack of respect for civil liberties. Huh? Yeah, I had no idea to what he was referring, and I just didn’t care. Ditto for the bombing of the U.S. Capitol building, which was jarring to see on the same day that Islamic terrorists bombed two locations in Brussels. But no worries, there are no Islamic terrorists in this movie–keeping true to the modern-day “we cannot identify the real terrorists [Muslims]” rule for superhero movies and, frankly, almost all Hollywood movies. Instead, it’s some guy in a wheelchair who lost both his legs when Gotham got attacked by General Zod and fought with Superman, something that isn’t really explained. It had to be explained to me by the fanboy sitting next to me, whom I had to consult during the entire movie.
And that’s the thing: the movie is waaaaay tooo confusing. I had no idea what was going on at times or who some of the people were onscreen. You need a fanboy translator at the ready during the entire movie. I was lucky to have one–and, while I’m usually a movie Nazi who gets upset when others talk during the movie, I probably bugged everyone around me with my endless questions to Fanboy Translator.
The only parts of the movie that were clear were Lois Lane’s naked breasts in the bathtub scene. Little was left to the imagination in the gratuitous, repeated shots, with only actress Amy Adams’ nipples missing from the shot. Barely missing. I mean, I know there was a “love scene” between Margot Kidder and Christopher Reeve in one of the Superman movies of the past. But in a superhero movie that you know kids are gonna see, did they need to see most of Amy Adams’ chest?
Oh, and another part of the movie that’s clear: Adams’ Lane is trapped by terrorists somewhere in Africa (you think they’re Muslim, but the movie is too chicken and PC to say so). Superman rescues her from being killed by them, and so he’s the bad guy because of collateral damage. Congress holds hearings. So typical. But even more typical: the movie doesn’t take sides on this. Maybe Supe is a bad dude for causing destruction when fighting terrorists. Barf. Oh, and by the way, you and I are the bad guys for wanting to deport aliens. You see, we’re on the same side as the guy they show with the sign calling to deport aliens like Superman. Haha, funny.
Then, there is Lex Luthor, overplayed by the poorly cast Jesse Eisenberg. Eisenberg, who once played Facebook dictator Mark Zuckerberg, plays him here again, on steroids. We all know that if Mark Zuckerberg could do what he really wants, he’d be even more evil than he already is. And instead of merely playing online recruiter, propagandist, and censor for ISIS and Islam, he’d probably spy on superheroes, pit them against each other using artificial contrivances, and then create a half-Kryptonian, half-human monster (very bad CGI) from his own blood to try to kill Superman, as he does in this movie. Especially if you add in a dash of Nazi collaborator George Soros. Still, I wasn’t buying it. Eisenberg is probably the worst Lex Luthor we’ve ever seen in a Superman movie.
The movie doesn’t really tell you who Diana Prince is (you hear her first name once and you never hear the name “Wonder Woman”). And there are few scenes of her arguing with Bruce Wayne because she stole some hard drive from him. Why? No clue. They don’t tell you. Soon, we see surveillance tapes of many superheroes and comic book characters, including many not in this movie. I had no idea who they were and the movie doesn’t say, so, again, I had to consult Fanboy. The tapes, made by Lex Luthor, show Diana Prince/Wonder Woman getting money from an ATM. What was the point of this? It was like reading US Magazine and seeing “Superheroes–They’re Just Like Us! They use the ATM machine.” Well, I guess they had to give her something to do to fill space in this 2.5-hour cure for insomnia. Yaaawn.
You might compare this movie to bad sex. It builds up for so long to the unexplained, unjustified fight between Batman and Superman. But when it finally happens, it lasts just a minute or two and isn’t exciting. Plus, it’s not believable. Remember, Batman isn’t really a superhero. He’s not an alien or the result of an experiment gone wrong. He doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a spoiled rich kid in a pretentious costume and cape. So, in a contest between him and Superman, who do you think would prevail. Here’s a SPOILER hint: it’s not logical the way it turns out.
On Monday, I told a friend how excited I was to see this the next night. He was dismissive and said, “But why are they fighting? That’s so dumb. It doesn’t make sense.”
After seeing this, my thoughts exactly.
***
At the beginning of this movie, director Zack Snyder told us not to give away spoilers and ruin the movie for everyone else. But there’s only one real spoiler, which I had questions about. So I’m putting it on another page. If you want to read it, click here.
TWO MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
Thanks for the review, Debbie.
But I would never see this anyway because Superman has superpowers and could fry Batman, who is a mortal human, with his heat-beam eyes or just fling him off the earth into space to suffocate/freeze.
DS_ROCKS! on March 24, 2016 at 4:54 pm