by Debbie Schlussel

There’s only one new movie worth seeing, this weekend, and you know what it is:

* “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” – Rated PG-13: Read my complete review of this new installment of the “Star Wars” saga, which was posted early Wednesday. This is the one and only new movie to see this weekend. I really enjoyed this new tribute to the old with a reinvigoration and nod to the new. It’s got all the bells and whistles–including the plot points in which good vanquishes evil–that you’ve come to expect from the original Star Wars trilogy. Again, read my complete review.

THREE REAGANS

* “Sisters” – Rated R: I went to this movie wanting–and expecting–to laugh. But I barely did. Most of the “jokes” in this are groanworthy. The story is stupid, as is the movie. This is supposed to be a comedy, but I laughed only about five or six times, and even that was kind of forced.

If your idea of humor is a ballet dancer musical box up a guy’s rectum, then this is your movie. For everyone else–especially those with even a modicum of class, decency, or just plain common sense–this sucks absolutely. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, looking extremely haggard, play sisters in this female “bromance.” They are in their late 40s, look like they are in their 50s, and their characters act like 20-year-old frat boy losers. Middle-aged White chicks acting like Black rap stars–not funny, krackaz.

The sisters’ parents call them and tell them they’ve moved to a condo and are selling the house where the sisters grew up. It’s time for the sisters to go to the house and pack up whatever they want from their bedroom. But instead of packing up, the loser sisters spend their time planning for a party and trashing the house because they don’t want the new buyers to have it. The grown-ups in the movie–their parents and the one former friend of theirs who acts like an adult and is successful (Maya Rudolph)–are the bad guys.

Instead of actual humor, it’s just gross, juvenile stuff. You don’t have to be a prude to know this is crap. For most of the movie, Amy Poehler is trying to have sex with a younger guy she just met. When they finally get to her bedroom, and he takes his pants off, he slips on the floor and gets the aforementioned music box decoration up his rear end. Then the camera pans to the base of the music box turning and playing music from his behind. This is funny?

This is stolen from “Seinfeld,” in which George’s father fell on “Fusilli Jerry,” which went up his rectum. And on that show, it was actually funny. Another stolen “Seinfeld” scene: mocking Korean chicks who work at a nail salon. Again, better–much better!–on “Seinfeld.” And today, this scene would be un-PC and unacceptable in everyone else’s movie, but liberals love Amy and Tina, so they can get away with whatever they want. That’s how it works: mock Sarah Palin on SNL and support the Obama Reich, and you can get away with anything.

Another moronic “gag”: actor Bobby Moynihan plays a loser friend the sisters purposely didn’t invite to their party. But he shows up anyway and snorts a whole bag of cocaine. Then, he removes his pants, dips his penis in paint, and proceeds to paint with it on the walls of the house. I swear that, one day, this will become a new form of lauded “art” in America (if it isn’t already). Just watch. Oh, and what does Moynihan paint with his penis? A penis. Wow, that’s hilarious . . . if you’re a 15-year-old boy.

This is what passes for movie comedy, these days. Not only is it not funny, it’s painful and boring to watch. For the hundred or so “not terrorist” Islamic terrorists left at Guantanamo Bay, this is perfect high-quality torture material. For everyone else, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are stealing two hours of your life you’ll never get back. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

THREE MARXES PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS PLUS TWO OBAMAS PLUS TWO MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Danish Girl” – Rated R: Liberal movie critics are raving over this absolutely awful, extremely long and boring, and just utterly tired tranvestite movie. This movie reminds me a lot of Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Hussein Obama Idi Amin Dada: very high on style, but still looks like an ugly man dressed as a woman. Plus, it’s very pretentious and extremely low on anything even mildly interesting. Still, since this is “The Year of Caitlyn Jender!” you are forced to see yet more piling on and preachifying about how this is “normal,” when it is actually extreme mental disorder. By the way, I struggled to stay awake during this slow artsy-fartsy fest and lost the battle. Yet, I missed nothing.

The story: Eddie Redmayne is Einar Wegener, a Danish artist who is married to Gerda (Alicia Vikander), also an artist. Gerda is a painter, and one day–when her model can’t make it–she asks her husband to step in and don women’s shoes and a lacy skirt. Um, whatta way to cut a guy’s balls off! At first, he is repelled by the idea of wearing the skirt, but then takes to it and is turned on by the feminine clothing. That night, when his wife comes to bed, she pulls back the sheets on her husband, only to seem him wearing a lace negligee. While most real-life women would be disgusted by this development, she is turned on by this and, of course, Hollywood wants you to think this leads to the passionate sex that follows in this scene.

Soon, Gerda is dressing her husband in dresses, make-up, and a wig for parties they attend with all of their friends. But her husband turns on some of the men, and one of them makes out with transvestite Einer and chases him. They are soon in a gay relationship. At first, this troubles the wife–for like two seconds (and what did she expect after dressing her hubby as a tranny?)–but then she grows to accept and nurture this. It brings back feelings her husband apparently had when he was a kid and had gay relationships with his schoolmates. Soon, Gerda accompanies Einar, who now goes by the name “Lile Elbe,” to have radiation on his penis (so he can be less of a man) and two sex-change operations. Since they didn’t have much in the way of sex-change operations and plastic surgery back in 1920s Denmark, he was probably castrated and made into a eunuch.

But, hey, isn’t that “normal”? Don’t judge!, they keep telling us, as they do in this movie. Some “women” were just born into male bodies, and they need to “correct” this. If you think otherwise, you’re a backward, right-wing, Christian, male, White hick from the sticks, right? I’ve had enough of moralizing like this.

And, again, this was a total bore and a snoozer. Bruce Jender’s story is much more interesting (though equally abnormal and warped). Don’t worry–that’ll be on the tarnished silver screen soon enough, with the same hackneyed message that the dysfunctional and crazy is normal and we’re not. That’s why this’ll probably get a bunch of Oscar noms.

If we were really “torturing” Islamic terrorists in Gitmo, we’d force them to live like “Lili Elbe” . . . or, at the very least, make them watch this garbage over and over.

By the way, I’m not holding my breath for Hollywood to make “The ISIS Girl.” But that would be worth seeing.

THREE BRUCE JENDERS PLUS THREE OBAMAS PLUS TWO MICHELLE LAVAUGN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLLUS ISIS BEHEADING

Watch the trailer . . .