By Debbie Schlussel

Spring may be near, but it’s yet another crappy weekend at the box office, as I wasn’t much enthused about any of the new offerings in theaters, today.

* “Chappie“: This is the relative best of the new movies this weekend, with the emphasis on the word, “relative,” as I wouldn’t pay ten bucks-plus to see this. And, in the end, the movie tends to glorify two thugs merely because they aren’t as thugly as other thugs. I questioned, also, why a movie that takes place in South Africa contains mostly white crime lords and gangstas, when we know that in South Africa, they are mostly Black. Um, hello . . . .? On the other hand, that’s no surprise, since this movie is written and directed by Neill Blomkamp, who was also behind “District 9” (read my review), and is obsessed with the race agenda–ie., that Whites are racist, but Blacks aren’t.

The story: in South Africa, crime is now so bad, that instead of sending police to fight the mostly White criminal gangs, robot police are sent out. They are tough, indestructible, and owned and operated by an American company run by Susan “Sigourney” Weaver. The robots’ inventor, Dev Patel, wants to take a damaged robot and convert him into a humanitarian who writes poetry. When his boss, Weaver, forbids this, Patel sneaks the robot out of the company premises. But both he and the robot are kidnapped by criminal thugs who owe $20 million to a crime lord. They want to use the robot to rob banks and steal cars and eventually train and trick the robot into doing that. (Two of these lesser thugs are played by a real-life South African husband and wife White rap duo, Yo-Landi Visser and Ninja, who call themselves, “Die Antwoord.”) Meanwhile, a company rival of Patel, Hugh Jackman (in the world’s ugliest mullet), wants his new “Moose” robots to stop crime instead of Patel’s smaller police robots, so he disables the programs of the police robots, starts chaos on the streets, and causes a lot of problems, including mass destruction. There is also the concept of human consciousness being transferred out of humans and into robots and computers (which we’ve seen in other recent movies, such as “Lucy”–read my review–and “Transcendence”–read my review).

The funniest part of this movie is when the thugs train the robot to act “all gangsta” in the way he walks and talks. But the most interesting and frightening part of the movie is that thugs could actually train indestructible robots to commit crimes against humans. That may be coming in our future as robots are more and more developed and technology advances. But it wasn’t worth watching this movie to raise that point in our consciousness.

HALF A REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Unfinished Business“: Don’t let the trailer fool you on this one. It isn’t funny, just absolutely awful and gratuitously crude. This is stark Gitmo torture material. A bathroom full of penises sticking through “glory holes” at a gay bar–this is funny how? Men “shaking hands” with those penises–that’s funny? Ugh. This movie is utter garbage, extremely dumb, and long, slow, and boring despite being just 1.5 hours. I kept looking at my watch, with my mind begging for this to end already. It seems the whole purpose of this movie was to show multiple scenes of penises and womens’ naked breasts.

The “story”: a businessman (Vince Vaughn) quits his sales job after being denied a raise. He decides to start his own company competing with his former employer. He hires an incredibly stupid job applicant (Dave Franco) and a former colleague who was forced to retire. They desperately compete for a contract selling “swarf,” metal filings left over from finished industrial jobs. But they are repeatedly led on a wild goose chase by employees of the company set to buy from them. And they are competing for the deal against Vaughn’s former boss and company. They fly all over the world and go through all kinds of ridiculous, unfunny situations to get the deal done. In the meantime, Vaughn’s kids are being bullied and he communicates with them and his wife on FaceTime.

I hate-hate-hated this movie, and it’s–hands down–the worst movie I’ve seen in months (though maybe only slightly worse than “The Wedding Ringer”–read my review–and “Hot Tub Time Machine 2”–ready my review), despite the stiff competition for that title. Skip at all cost.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR ISIS BEHEADINGS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel“: I’m not sure why a sequel to “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” (read my review) needed to be made. The first one wasn’t that good. In fact, it was a cheesy senior citizen’s version of “The Love Boat,” taking place at a rundown hotel in India. This is the same thing for the second time, but even less charming and with the addition of Richard Gere. At age 65, he’s transitioning into “American Gigolo–AARP Edition.” Amidst the stories of senior citizens, there is a story about the hotel’s 30-something (or 20-something?) proprietor, Dev Patel, his upcoming marriage, his competition with a rival, and his seeking to expand his “hotel empire” with a outside investors who’ve sent a secret inspector. Or something.

This long, slow, boring movie is an insult to senior citizens, at whom it’s aimed. And the disjointed stories are long, boring, uninteresting, and not tightly written. There is no suspense, and nothing to care about. It’s just an empty waste of time. Oh, and did I mention that this is the Feel-Good Senior Citizen Suicide Movie of the Year? One of the characters commits suicide at the end, for no apparent reason. Like I said, this isn’t well-written at all. They don’t explain things, and I just didn’t care, even if they had. This is a snoozer.

The ending, in which Richard Gere and the other senior citizens are dancing in a “Bollywood”-style routine at a wedding, is just absolutely comical, cheesy, and ridiculous.

Skipworthy.

ONE MARX

Watch the trailer . . .