By Debbie Schlussel

*** UPDATE, 04/02/11: It turns Out Charlie Sheen’s claim to being Jewish is yet another one of his fantastical lies. Thank G-d. Like I said, we didn’t wanna claim him. ***

So, as you may have heard, the Charlie Sheen circus comes to Detroitistan, tomorrow night.  The thousands of tickets that “sold out in 18 minutes” to Detroit’s FOX Theater didn’t actually sell out at all.  In fact, most of the tix for the Detroit “My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat Is Not an Option Show” are back on the market and you can easily buy a seat near the stage, as I write this.  What I think is hilarious, though, is how Sheen snookered at least one Detroit area radio station after his people got the station to shill for and hold a contest for him all week.  Also, since it’s April Fool’s Day, I am unmasking myself as the little known Twitter personality, “Chaim Sheen” of Malibu, Pornstarstan, something I did when Sheen called Chuck Lorre, “Chaim Levine,” and which I quickly got sick of  when 1) I got only 8 followers and almost no retweets, 2) Sheen disclosed that he is Jewish (his mother is, so by Jewish law . . . damn!), and 3) no one liked my humor asking Warlox&Bagels Warriors of the world to unite.  More on that later.  But, first, check out how he screwed the Detroit radio butt-kissers.

Chaim Sheen of Malibu, Pornstarstan

(Artwork by David Lunde, Design by Debbie Schlussel)

My friends, Drew & Mike, the most popular Detroit radio morning show for White people (if you judge by all listeners, Black radio is number one in the Detroit radio market), spent all week shilling for Sheen.  On Tuesday, Sheen’s people asked them to to hold a contest on their WRIF-FM show for Charlie’s Detroit intern–asking beautiful women to send in their pics to compete as Sheen’s on-stage “helpers.”  They spent all week doing this, in exchange for an exclusive interview with Sheen at 5:00 a.m. Eastern, this morning.  But Sheen never showed up.  He stood them up repeatedly, and they were upset. They played their conversation with Sheen’s airheaded “personal assistant”/live-in buddy on the air.  It was pathetic.  Sheen did give an interview to another morning radio host, whom he enlisted to hold a contest for a beautiful woman to sing the “Star Spangled Banner” at his “concert.”  Charlie Sheen is patriotic?  Hardly.

The world’s media has descended on Detroit to see what Sheen will do to fill over an hour of promised on-stage performance time.  Uttering stuff about being a “bitchin’ rock star from Mars,” a “warlock warrior assassin” sent by the Vatican,  and coursing with “tiger blood” ain’t gonna work for over an hour on stage.  So, good luck with that, Charlie.  Apparently, he’s enlisted Snoop Dogg, his Black counterpart on the trash continuum, to perform onstage.

And then there’s Chaim Sheen, the personality I created for Twitter.  I thought it would be fun, but like everybody else, I got sick of even making fun of this jerk after a couple of days.  Plus, it didn’t catch on.  I asked our friend David Lunde of Lundesigns to take the pic of Charlie Sheen from the police station scene in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and put a Jewish star yarmulke on him.  But, once I learned he was bragging about being Jewish to counter charges that he was anti-Semitic, I was thinking, OY! Do we really gotta claim him?  Can’t we put him in the list of Jews we don’t wanna claim, like Roseanne, Ron Jeremy, and Brian Moskowitz? I decided my Chaim Sheen tweets about Warlox&Bagels Warriors were as stale as a Pastrami and Tiger Blood on Rye sandwich from Two And a Half Delis.  Anyway, above are some of my Chaim Sheen tweets.

Shalom, Chaim, it was not so nice knowin’ ya. The 15 minutes are up.