December 10, 2010, - 4:21 pm
Wknd Box Office: Black Swan, Tourist, Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of Dawn Treader, Leaving
Nothing great at the box office, this weekend. The best choice is the third installment of the Chronicles of Narnia movies, but not by much.
* “Black Swan“: This movie is much hyped as an Academy Award-worthy flick by a ton of critics and media types. Don’t believe the hype. This movie was nothing more than “Showgirls” with tutus (and a little more clothing) with a ton of neuroses and craziness mixed in. I “learned” from this movie that in order to be a great ballerina, you must be oversexed and masturbate a lot. At least that’s what the explicit instruction is in this over-rated garbage in a high-brow wrapper. The music of “Swan Lake” is so beautiful. What a shame it’s perverted by this neurotic, libidinous trash. Oh, and I also learned that Barbara Hershey is still alive (she plays the mother of the lead character) and that Winona Ryder has graduated from shop-lifting to has-been prima ballerina.
Natalie Portman plays a neurotic ballerina in a New York ballet company performing the White Swan and Black Swan in “Swan Lake.” She wants to be the prima ballerina and gets the job. But she’s so paranoid and delusional that she takes her rivalry with partying fellow ballerina Mila Kunis to an extreme . . . in her head. She has delusions of lesbian sex with Kunis and sex with her oversexed ballet company director (Vincent Cassel), who is in fact hitting on her (as he does with a lot of his ballerinas). If constantly crying and pouting means you should get an Academy Award, then Portman should get one. But I don’t think that’s among the criteria.
Slow, boring, and a chick flick on top of everything I already wrote about it. And very pretentious. The best thing I can say about this movie is, I like the poster. And that’s basically the only good thing about it.
THREE MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Tourist“: An overweight, pudgy Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie star in this utter bore, whose stale “twist” I figured out at the very beginning. I fell asleep twice and still didn’t miss a thing in this uber-slow waste of time.
It appears Palestina Jolie’s (yes, she’s a fan of Palestinian terrorists, as I’ve noted on this site before) only purpose in this movie is to pout her over-stuffed lips and pose her ever-more gaunt skeletal face. Oh, and to flaunt an extremely bad English accent. And bad acting. Just terrible.
The “story” (if you can call it that): a British socialite (Skankelina) is in France and under surveillance by Scotland Yard, which is trying to find her missing lover, a master thief and con man who stole billions from a Russian mobster. The con man sends her a letter instructing her to take a train and ultimately travel to Venice. And the letter tells her to select a random man (Depp) and pretend he’s the con man the secret agents are trying to foil. Palestina Jolie selects a math teacher and comes on to him in Venice, while the Russian mobster and the British agents pursue him and her through chases and other stupidity.
You won’t care about these people. But you will care about the ten bucks and two hours of life you wasted and will never get back. And you’ll be helping to fund Jolie’s “charity” to a group that gives massages to Palestinian kids in HAMAStan. Not worth it . . . on all counts.
TWO-AND-A-HALF MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader“: This was my least favorite of the Narnia movies, based on the C.S. Lewis books. Nothing objectionable, but it just was boring. And the plot was confusing. I doubt little kids will get it, but I’m sure they’ll be entertained by the wholesome fights between flying dragons and giant sea serpents.
The story: during World War II, two of the kids from the original and succeeding movie are once again sucked into the other world of Narnia. They find that the King or Prince or whatever has had all his wise men kidnapped and held captive on some island run by men who look like Arabs/Muslims (wear their clothes and have their features) and sell people into slavery. The Narnia kids–who are royalty in that world–must rescue the wise men by getting swords together and sailing somewhere on a boat. And they’re led by the usual lion, Aslan (the one who is supposed to be Christ, but who Liam Neeson thinks is Mohammed). Like I said, it was somewhat confusing and not awe-inspiring by any stretch. But it’s fine for kids and families. Just not a tightly-woven or well-told story. Not even close.
ONE REAGAN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Leaving [Partir]“: This French movie, shown mostly in arthouse theaters, has English subtitles. It stars Kristin Scott Thomas as the wife of a wealthy Paris professional who provides well for his family and loves his wife. But, hey, she’s “bored,” so, to reward him, she begins an affair with the Spanish ex-con contractor who is working on the remodel of her backyard office, which her husband is spending tens of thousands on for her. The husband finds out and tries to take revenge to get her to come back. She does, but then shoots her husband and escapes to Spain to be with her lover. The end.
And the point was . . . ? I’m not sure, other than saying it’s not fun to be in a relationship with a great guy who loves you and provides you everything. Instead, you should break up your family, kill your kids’ dad, and become a fugitive with your ex-con lover. It was mildly entertaining. But there was no there there. And the message was empty and stupid.
TWO MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Angelina Jolie, Aslan, Barbara Hershey, Black Swan, Johnny Depp, Leaving, Liam Neeson, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Palestina Jolie, Partir, prima ballerina, Skankelina Jolie, Swan Lake, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of Dawn Treader, The Tourist, Vincent Cassel, White Swan, Winona Ryder
I take exception with your last movie rating… I don’t think adultery, betrayal and murder amount to two Marxes in my book. I would have given that four plus a Betty Friedan. French arthouse films are usually good. There was as you wrote no point to this waste of a movie except to show good men are too boring to stay married to, family is unimportant and feminist fulfillment is the main thing that matters in life.
NormanF on December 10, 2010 at 4:36 pm