By Debbie Schlussel
Anti-War leftie Carlos Santana allegedly fired his personal assistant because the man’s consciousness was calibrated and deemed “too low.” According to a lawsuit brought by the fired man, Bruce Kuhlman, Santana’s spiritual guru, “Dr. Dan,” administered the test, deciding who was–and wasn’t–close enough to G-d to work for Santana.
Santana plays guitar and designs shoes–all while apparently being closer to G-d than us little people. We regular Americans are simply not spiritually evolved enough to hang with him.
In related news, G-d has calibrated Carlos Santana’s daily pot dosage, finding it too strong for the delusional Santana to maintain any sense of reality. Reportedly, G-d is also offended by Santana’s ultra-hideous headwear.