By Debbie Schlussel

Whether or not you like Matt Damon’s far left politics–and I certainly do not–his “The Informant!” is the best of the new movie releases at theaters, today.  In fact, it’s the only one I liked.

*  “The Informant!“:  Although this movie–based on a true story–begins as an anti-business/anti-corporate tale, it turns out to be something far different than that.  Instead, it’s the hilarious story of a not-so-bright FBI informant, Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon)–who thinks he’s a genius (hmm . . . kinda like Matt Damon thinks of himself).

Whitacre, a vice president at Archer Daniels Midland corporation, initially informs the FBI that ADM is fixing prices with competitors.  He begins spying on his co-workers and superiors atop this multi-billion dollar agri-business.

Soon, though, it’s the stiff FBI agents who are the ones having the number played on them.  They’re very well-played by Scott Bakula and Joel McHale, who have the essence of every FBI agent I’ve ever met, down pat.

Throughout the movie, we hear the hilarious rambling musings and “insights” of Whitacre.  The movie is very funny, entertaining, and enjoyable, if you can look the other way at the hit job on ADM, whose execs did, ultimately, get convicted of price-fixing.  If you liked “Burn After Reading” (read my review), as I did, you’ll like this.  It’s not quite as good.  But close enough.

TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS

*  “Jennifer’s Body“:  Disgusting, sick, disturbing, boring, horrid.  Those are the adjectives that best describe this vile “horror” flick that had no suspense, a stupid plot (if you can call this a plot), and was basically a two hour chance for Megan Fox to show off body parts, utterly disgusting lines about anal sex and other graphic material, and show what trash she is.  Nice house, no-one’s home.  The woman can’t act to save her life.

But even if she could, this disturbing movie was just crap.  Vulgar, nauseating stuff like this is what you get when a former stripper with bondage tattoos, Diablo Cody, is the new Oscar-winning rage and writing movies aimed at teens.  Yes, the movie is rated R, but you know that tons of under-aged kids will be seeing this movie.  That’s the target market.

Oh, and did I mention the story was boring?  I fell asleep and didn’t miss a thing.  Basically, Fox plays a slutty teen who gets bitten and partially eaten and sliced apart by a band that played at a local bar.  She comes back to do the same to teen boys throughout the small town where she lives along with her nerdy worshiping best friend, Amanda Seyfried.

Extremely gory and violent, not to mention completely stupid and beyond the pale.  If you let your kid see this, you should be sued for parental malpractice.

FOUR MARXES

*  “Love Happens“:  More like “S*** Happens,” with the S-word describing the utter cinematic crap here that parades as a movie.  It’s as if a scamming life coach/guru fraud, like late night infomercial sleaze Tony Robbins, wrote a horrible, boring chick flick, and someone greenlit the piece of garbage.  Sitting through this two hours of psychobabble and men crying was like sitting through torture.  A great choice for movie night at Guantanamo Bay terrorists detention center.  It was that bad.  I counted at least five male characters in this movie crying (and zero female characters crying).

Aaron Eckhart plays a Tony Robbins/Dr. Phil-esque psychobabbler who gives speeches at hotel seminars  coaching people on how to get over losses of loved ones.  His own wife died in a car accident, and his book about dealing with it is a best-seller.  In Seattle for one of his seminars, he meets and pursues the hotel florist, Jennifer Aniston–who plays a woman on whom guys cheat and whom they treat badly.  Hmm, sounds like real life.  On the cusp of bigtime success as a self-help guru, Eckhart turns men in to girliemen, but has yet to deal with his own loss correctly or face the family of his deceased wife.

Does any of this sound interesting to you?  For me, it was like having teeth pulled, with apologies to my dentist for the comparison.  The worst reality show is more exciting.  I couldn’t care less about the people in this movie.  It was just that bad and worse.   The movie is a giant “HUH?”  If this is “love,” we direly need more hate.

Great for the Paxil crowd and men who checked their testicles at the ticket office.  For everyone else, skip at all cost.

THREE MARXES