By Debbie Schlussel

Sorry my movie reviews are up late, today, but it was a crazy day, stuck at Drew Barrymore interview events, snags, and snafus (more details about that at a later date).  You can always hear my movie reviews, every Friday morning, on “The Mike Church Show” on the Sirius Patriot Channel 144, usually between 11:00 and 11:30 a.m.

You’ve already read my review of “9,” which debuted in theaters on Wednesday.  The other new release, this weekend, is “Whiteout.”  I call “Whiteout,” the “feel-good necrotic tissue thriller of the year.”  That’s because there are a number of scenes of dead flesh (including two dead fingers that must be amputated) and dead humans, all made to look gruesome for shock value, because there’s little to fright here.

The thriller, starring Kate Beckinsale, is not nearly as beautiful as she is.  In fact, it’s a mess.  What starts out as a not-bad, semi-entertaining thriller for about 2/3 of the movie, ends up in a mess with ridiculous plot twists and messy scenes of people blowing around in the snow.  It’s a cardinal rule of good thrillers that there’s at least a hair of a hint as to the culprit.  Not the case here.  And then the resolution and ending come suddenly and quickly and they don’t undo the mess that was made, in addition to the insertion of side stories of a past career experience that are irrelevant.  And that’s aside from a U.N. investigator being one of the movie’s heroes.  The U.N?  PUH-LEEZE.

And since it’s such a mess, that must be why this crippled flick starts off with a crutch of a scene of Beckinsale stripping to bikini underwear and less and taking a shower.  The other crutch is the very cold weather and tundra setting, which play a role in several plot points.

Beckinsale is a tired U.S. Marshal who takes an unwanted job as the Marshal at the U.S. base in Antarctica.  She’s ready to retire and call it quits, when a dead body shows up out of place, and it’s clear the man was murdered.  Soon she and a U.N. agent are investigating, others are showing up dead, and a mysterious person of unknown identity is trying to kill Beckinsale.  We see several flashbacks of her experience busting a drug dealer in a warmer climate, who smashes her against a mirror. Former Marlboro Man, actor Tom Skerritt, co-stars.

While the movie is mildly–very mildly!–entertaining, there’s no suspense, excitement or drama here.  It’s mostly slow and boring and missing the charm and sparkle that make a good thriller.

Okay, but that’s it.  In a word, eh.

ONE REAGAN