By Debbie Schlussel

Both new movies in theaters today are terrible. Hated ’em.

* Bad Moms Christmas – Rated R: It would be truth in advertising if they’d just kept the first word of the title: bad. This is awful. I hated last year’s “Bad Moms.” But this makes that look halfway decent. If multiple repeat jokes about waxing genital hair is funny to you, then this is your movie. If corny, cheesy faux-emotional scenes and absurd, contrived melodrama are your thing, then this is your movie. For anyone with even a modicum of taste and two brain cells to rub together, run. Run like hell. And thank the Chinese Huayi Brothers for bringing yet more crap to the very-tarnished silver screen. It’s not usual that a sequel to a movie comes out this quickly, just a year later. But they just slapped this crap together, and it’s very apparent. Just like with the first Bad Moms movie.

Vastly overrated “talents” Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, and Kathryn Hahn are three oversexed, totally immature mothers–two of them single–who were in the crummy first Bad Moms installment, and they have, sadly, returned. Except, this time, they have actresses playing their mothers, who are just as annoying, loony, and unentertaining to watch. The “women behaving badly” genre is stupid and has been done to death. It’s especially necrotic here, as the sick jokes aren’t funny and quickly crash with a loud thud, as they definitely do here. You know the formula: some Hollywood hacks who wrote movies like, “The Hangover,” get a bunch of haggish actresses together and write the same kind of rancid garbage lines and “plot” (if you can call it that), hoping these women acting like piggish men will be the winning formula. It worked a time or two, so now, it seems that’s all they serve up. Um, no thanks.

The story: the three lowlifes from Bad Moms are getting ready for Christmas, but they need to blow off some steam. So, they get drunk, vandalize a shopping mall (in a way normally reserved for frat boys in movies), and steal a Christmas tree from Lady Foot Locker. Then, each of their mothers makes an unwanted visit to town for the holiday. Wow, whatta coincidence!–all three mothers suddenly showing up at the exact same time and each of them causing trouble. I’d call it Hollywood magic, but in this movie everything is more like Hollyweird tragic.

Hahn is a sleazy lowlife who works at a spa as a waxer of the aforementioned pubic hair. She constantly repeats the word “vagina,” which I guess is supposed to make it funny. Nope. Then, one day, a good-looking male stripper comes in to have her wax his genitals. The scene is filled with him lifting his legs up and mentioning various areas to be waxed, most of which I cannot (nor do I want to) mention here. Gross. If you find that funny, you’re kinda common, not to mention low-class. Just saying. That the stripper would be interested in dating Hahn is not believable. At all. Her mother, Susan Sarandon, is mostly a stranger to her and only visits when she needs money. Oh, and also, Sarandon looks and dresses like the President of the Whitesnake Fan Club and is a total slut and sleazebag.

Kunis, who divorced her husband, is now basically living with her boyfriend from the first movie. We’re supposed to laugh at his daughter as she repeatedly uses the F-word and repeats Kunis’ expressions she makes during sex. Awww, ain’t that cute. This child actress’ parents should be investigated for child abuse. But, hey, do whatever it takes to get your young kid into showbiz, right? Whatever it takes. Kunis wants her family to have a “simple Christmas,” but her perfectionist mother, Christine Baranski, moves in and insists on putting up fancy decorations all over the house and holding a big party. In what is completely contrived and totally unrelaxing, uncomfortable melodrama, Kunis repeatedly screams at her mother, tears down Christmas decorations, and ruins Christmas. Newflash: nobody wants to see a movie about a daughter’s completely manufactured anger that her mother wants to spend zillions decorating her house and putting together a Christmas party. There’s a reason there isn’t a “ChristmasZilla” reality show yet.

And finally, there is Bell. Her mother, Cheryl Hines, is smothering–wants to be her best friend, hides in the room while Bell and her husband are having sex, and buys the house next door. Ugh. Again, nobody wants to watch a movie about this.

And then, there’s the movie’s dopey, predictable ending. Who cares?

This movie, if it’s not the world’s worst chick flick, is close enough–very painful to sit through. And completely dumb. YAY, feminism!

High-quality Gitmo torture material. And since Donald Trump is, fortunately, keeping the place open, that’s the only place this crap should be shown.

Even Pierce Brosnan trying to sing in Mamma Mia! wasn’t this bad (but pretty close).

Guys, if your significant female other tries to drag you to this, kill yourself first. Even a mancave in hell is better than this hell at the movies.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS

Watch the trailer . . .

* Thor: Ragnarok – Rated PG-13: This is the third Thor movie starring Chris Hemsworth in the title role. And it’s incredibly boring and repetitive. Oh, and also pointless. I feel like the Thor movies are the same thing over and over and over again. In this one, they even bring back dead characters to repeat their roles in rehashed boring narratives. Enough already. This is so stale and threadbare. It’s like that horribly worn out ugly coat someone keeps pushing you to buy at the world’s worst garage sale. But–good news!–it’s great for insomnia. I struggled to stay awake. There’s just nothing here, except for the elements plagiarized from the original Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy movies. And, yet, the movie goes on and on forever, for two hours and ten minutes. Yaaawn.

The “story”: Thor discovers that his enemy and brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), has exiled their father (Anthony Hopkins), and is secretly ruling their home planet of Asgard. Then their father dies and their evil sister, Hela (Cate Blanchett), has broken out of her “eternal” imprisonment. She takes over and is both ruling and destroying Asgard. Thor must stop her. Um, didn’t this (or some variant of it) happen in each Thor movie? Yup.

Meanwhile, as he rushes to save Asgard, Thor is captured by a female “scrapper” named “Valkyrie” (the late Claus Von Stauffenberg is turning over in his grave) who takes him to be imprisoned on a planet run by evil maniac Jeff Goldblum–a self-styled hip-hop-esque DJ who calls himself, “Grandmaster.” Goldblum likes to watch the various inmates of his planet fight to the death in a gladiator-style match in a stadium. And while Thor beats his mightiest competitors, he’s soon matched up against his friend and fellow “Avenger,” The Hulk. They must figure out how to both get out alive and escape the planet.

Eventually, Valkyrie sees the light and sides with Thor, helping him to get off the planet and try to save Asgard. Thor also makes semi-amends with Loki to stop their sister. I guess this makes them “frenemies.”

So, what is “Ragnarok”? Apparently, it’s some sort of mythical cycle of death and rebirth. Or, I guess it’s the euphemism for repeating the same stupidity over and over again to make money in theaters, pretending it’s a new movie.

I felt I was stuck watching a broken record and couldn’t wait ’til it ended. Sadly, it seemed to go on forever.

Marvel movies and their story lines keep getting dumber and dumber.

ONE-AND-A-HALF MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .