May 28, 2017, - 11:54 am
Wknd Box Office: Baywatch (Anti-Semitic), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
It’s Dumb and Dumber at the movies, this Memorial Day Weekend. So sad to note that our servicemen died, among other reasons, for Hollywood to make such idiotic garbage.
* Baywatch – Rated R: Just awful. But then, you knew that. After all, it’s called, “Baywatch.” The long-running, syndicated television show was all about hot women in sexy bathing suits and little else. However, this movie makes the show look like a Shakespearian masterpiece. It’s that bad. And worse. Incredibly dumb, and a complete waste of time. This is supposed to be a comedy. But it’s not funny. Not even close. I laughed maybe once or twice, and even those weren’t hearty laughs. Most of the jokes are groanworthy and expectedly raunchy. It’s incredible that so many pseudo-conservatives (including the immature fanboy morons at National Review) are desperately cheerleading the possibility of pro-amnesty liberal star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson running for President. PUH-LEEZE.
If your idea of funny jokes and scintillating entertainment is a fat, pudgy guy getting his genitals caught in a lounge chair, then this is for you. If you think a Heimlich maneuver on the same aforesaid fat, pudgy guy, with the movement simulating anal sex, is funny, then, again, this is your movie. For everybody else, SKIP THIS CRAP.
The “story”: the Baywatch beach is having its annual lifeguard auditions. The boss is Johnson, who plays the role of Mitch, which was previously played by burqa-fan David Hasselhoff. He is pressured by the authorities that be to take Zac Efron as one of the lifeguards. Efron is a wealthy former Olympic medalist who has been disgraced and needs to be a lifeguard for community service. Kelly Rohrbach plays the blonde bombshell character “C.J.” who was previously portrayed by Pamela Anderson. (Both Anderson and Hasselhoff have cameos in the movie, but this isn’t a spoiler alert. There’s been much press about it, and both of them have their names in the opening credits, to let you know.)
Mitch hires Efron and some others, including the previously-mentioned fat, pudgy guy. In typical Hollywood Jew-hatred, we are told that the fat, pudgy guy is Jewish and is the only character whose ethnicity and religion are mentioned (and, of course, mocked). There are several Jewish jokes and references, and his name is “Ronnie Greenbaum.” Hmmm . . . I’m wondering where is the jihadist lifeguard, Ahmed Mohammed, who blows himself up in the middle of the beach and kills and wounds multiple beachgoers. Nope, no such luck. Hollywood only mocks Jews and Christians. That’s how it goes. And, of course, the Jewish guy (played by self-hating Jewish actor Jon Bass) looks like he walked out of “Protocols of the Elders of Zion” central casting (see the overweight guy in the upper right hand side of the movie poster above).
At first, the movie is light with typical Baywatch stupidity about alleged lifeguarding and lifesaving. Then, it tries to be taken seriously as some sort of caper movie. Priyanka Chopra plays an evil nightclub owner who is running an illegal drug smuggling operation. She also wants to expand her club and get the rest of the real estate surrounding the beach. So she resorts to bribes and–when those don’t work–murder of uncooperative public officials and landowners.
The lifeguards discover what is going on and try to alert the police and other authorities, but nobody takes them seriously because they are lifeguards. Shocker. Hard for any of us to take them seriously either. Not to mention this absolutely atrocious movie.
FOUR MARXES PLUS THREE OBAMAS PLUS THREE MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS TWO ISIS BEHEADINGS
Watch the trailer . . .
* Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Rated PG-13: As indicated by the title of this movie, a dead man (or at least a brain-dead one) must have made this, because there’s simply no tale told here. It’s just a messy long, slow, boring slog through a bunch of dueling pirates and special effects. But it’s mostly confusing and nonsensical. Whereas the first installment of the Pirates movies was somewhat cute and entertaining, this fifth installment is just absurd and looks like it was written by kindergarteners (with apologies to the kindergarteners).
It’s simply unnecessary and a complete and total waste of time. The only reason it was made was to fill greedy Hollywood coffers, particularly that of America-hating star Johnny Depp. He’s the guy that hated us so much after we made him hundreds of millions that he moved to France and savaged us publicly. And, as noted in recent lawsuits between Depp and his managers, he needs this movie’s paycheck to keep up with his profligate spending to the tune of $2 million per month ($30,000 per month in spending on wine). Depp is reportedly paid $40 million for each of the Pirates movies, which means this one will–before taxes–keep him afloat for about 20 months. Despite this badly needed infusion of cash, Depp is barely acting here, basically phoning it in with some typical grunts, mumbled gibberish, and winks and nods that are no longer cute. Fourteen years ago, in the original Pirates movie, he was cheeky. Now, he’s just jowly. And the same thing can be said of the last Pirates movie, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (read my review), which was about as messy, confusing, and nonsensical.
The “story”–if you can call it that–involves rival groups of pirates, including one group led by anti-Israel Javier Bardem (“Israel is genocidal”), which consists of dead, ghost pirates who are barely there. They want their revenge on Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp). But they’ll have to get in line. He’s got the authorities after him and so on. He bands with a group of bank robber pirates who literally “rob a bank,” meaning they strap horses to the inside of the bank and manage to take the entire building with them through the streets. I’ve heard of “horsepower,” but there aren’t nearly enough horses there to actually do this. And that’s the “highlight” of the movie.
Depp is nearly executed via guillotine along with a suspected witch who is nearly hanged. But they are rescued and then join up with their bank robber friends and some others on the high seas. The accused witch is actually a “horologist”–someone who studies the science of measuring time. It has little to do with the plot but is used for the predictable dumb gag in which silly pirates are obsessed with the phonetics of the word “horologist.”
Once on the seas, Depp and the accused witch are searching for the Trident of Poseidon, some unreadable map, a magnificent treasure, some mysterious island, and so on. All of this involves a magic compass that helps them find the way. But once they land on the island and eventually find the trident, nothing exciting really happens . . . except the splitting of the sea. I thought I was suddenly transported to a screening of “The Ten Commandments.” Cecil B. DeMille is probably turning over in his grave that his Biblical theatrics have been plagiarized for a bad pirate movie, a fifth installment nonetheless.
Never before have so much action and so many special effects comprised such a snoozer. By the way, if you do choose to ignore this review and go see it anyway, you can skip shelling out the extra money for a 3D version of the movie. I saw it in 3D and there isn’t much visually that you’ll miss out on, if you choose to see it in good ole’, regular 2D.
HALF A MARX
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Baywatch, Baywatch anti-Semitic, Baywatch Jews, Baywatch movie, Baywatch movie review, Baywatch review, David Hasselhoff, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Dwayne Johnson, Javier Bardem, Johnny Depp, Jon Bass, Kelly Rohrbach, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Pamela Anderson, Pirates of the Caribbean 5, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales movie review, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales review, Priyanka Chopra, Trident of Poseidon, Zac Efron
I saw the Pirates movie (in 2D) before I read this review (or else I’d have skipped it). It was really tough to follow the plot – although I dozed off at the beginning of the movie.
One thing I’d add to the review above (hopefully, it’s not a spoiler here) is how the skeletal ‘wireframes’ of the ships floated on the sea, defying all laws of physics. Especially if one considers a huge boat – just its skeletal structure, and w/ <100 people on it on the sea: such a contraption would sink. But I guess if the seas can be parted (I’m assumong that this area was near the Bermuda Triangle, which was mentioned once, although the Bermuda Triangle is smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic, and nowhere near the Carribean), hollow ship structures can float on the sea, no matter what the weight above them.
The other thing that struck me: the guillotine was a very uniquely French device that was only used in revolutionary France, and never in their colonies. Here, it was one of the execution options – like people in the days of Carribean piracy were given the option of how they’d like to die. Also, in those days, the Brits were redcoats and French were bluecoats, and they rarely were allies in the seas. In this movie, there are both redcoats and bluecoats on the navy ships patrolling the seas, and they’re described as Brits. Not just physics, but history too is lacking w/ these producers.
Infidel on May 28, 2017 at 3:59 pm