By Debbie Schlussel

One decent new movie in theaters today (stay tuned ’til next week for my review of one of the best thrillers I’ve ever seen!). The Young Messiah and The Brothers Grimsby were not screened for critics (though I might try to see Grimsby and post a review later today or some time this weekend):

* 10 Cloverfield Lane – Rated PG-13: I enjoyed this sci-fi/Twilight Zone-esque movie, even if I’ve seen parts of this before in other movies. It’s entertaining, well-acted, and makes you wonder what you would do in this situation. And although it’s PG-13, I thought it was quite violent (and gross) for young teens. The movie is kind of a hybrid of two or three types of films.

The story: somewhere in Louisiana, a woman named Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) packed her stuff and starts driving in her car at night. She hears on the radio of a massive power outage and her boyfriend, with whom she’s upset, keeps trying to reach her on her cell phone, which she doesn’t answer. Suddenly, her car is hit very hard, and she gets into a car accident. She wakes up with her leg chained to a wall in a strange room where she is on a mattress on the floor.

Michelle soon learns that she’s being held in an underground bunker below a farmhouse. The man keeping her there is Howard (John Goodman), the owner of the property. And she has a fellow resident in Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.). Howard tells Michelle that she’s been in a car accident and that he rescued her from a chemical attack probably begun by aliens. He tells Michelle that she’s chained because he doesn’t want her to try to leave and breathe or let in the poisonous air. He claims that the power outage was the beginning of the attack and that he saved her just in time, after coming across Michelle just after her accident on the side of the road. Emmett, who is far younger and less creepy than Howard, tries to convince Michelle this is all true.

Eventually, Michelle–who is skeptical of the story about the air and the alien attacks–becomes convinced, after seeing some pretty convincing proof. And Michelle, Howard, and Emmett quickly become sort of like a “family,” playing board games, watching movies, and eating together in the bunker.

Ultimately, Michelle isn’t completely convinced, though. She finds some things that lead her to believe that Howard isn’t exactly telling the complete truth, and even if he is, she thinks there is something wrong with him going on and wants to leave. She wonders, also, why Howard won’t allow her to call family and friends to see if any have survived the alleged attacks.

To tell you more would be to ruin the movie. It is suspenseful and keeps you wondering what is really going on. Is Howard really telling the truth? Is Michelle really there for the reasons he says? Or are there evil, ulterior motives?

In case you were wondering, this movie is “connected” to the 2008 movie Cloverfield (read my review), in that both movies are produced by the movie world’s current Godzilla, J. J. Abrams (Cloverfield is the name of the street on which he grew up). But the stories, while connected in just a tiny way, are independent of each other, so you need not see one to like the other.

Like I said, there are some–a very, very few–grisly, violent, bloody things that happen in the movie. And it’s well-done if on a small budget. Not the greatest sci-fi movie I’ve ever seen. But good enough. Entertaining, creepy, mostly believable, and a good escapist movie.

TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS

Watch the trailer . . .

* The Perfect Match – Rated R: I hated this movie. It’s a fine example of why “Black movies” don’t get nominated for Oscars. Maybe the Twitter hashtag for the protests should have been #OscarsSoClassy instead of #OscarsSoWhite. This stupid, waste-of-time, lowlife movie is very ghetto, despite being dressed up as a film about rich, young Black professionals. I felt like it was almost an extended, slightly churched-up rap video. Make no mistake, most of the people in this movie may have expensive taste and the money to buy it, but their behavior and discussions are just gross. . . unless you think discussions about “squirting” are the stuff of which great movies are made in the Kardashian era. Um, TMI times a thousand. The movie is also racist.

And that’s not to mention that there is some really bad casting here to go along with the awful “acting.” Terrence Jenkins a/k/a Terrence J, who is darker-skinned plays the brother of the much lighter-skinned Paula Patton (who is half White in real life). He also has a slightly pronounced Black accent, whereas she speaks English like a White chick. And, yet, we’re supposed to be convinced they are from the same set of parents. Not that I cared. This movie just isn’t that deep (not even close), so who cares? It’s garbage. You can’t expect better from a movie co-starring Jennifer Lopez’s concubine, Beau Casper Smart, and lowlife Arab Muslim illegal alien rapper French Montana a/k/a Karim Kharbouch.

Jenkins plays an agent and public relations executive who represents companies, athletes, and rappers and puts together deals involving them. He and Smart (who is Hispanic and rides around work on a hoverboard) work for a sleazy White boss, “Marty” (Joe Pantoliano), who appears to be either Italian or Jewish. Regardless, the boss is the only White person in the movie, and, so, of course, is a schmuck. Aren’t all White people?

The “story” (if you can call it that): Jenkins plays Charlie, a serial womanizer who doesn’t want to settle down. His best male friends, one of whom is married and the other of whom is about to be, bet Charlie that he can’t stick with just dating one woman exclusively until the upcoming wedding. He takes the bet and is soon “dating” (actually just having sex with) Eva (Cassie Ventura–previously one of the voices of Grand Theft Auto V), a woman he’s seen at work. The woman, who is incredibly sleazy and a total slut, repeatedly asks him for booty calls, and he soon falls for her. But, then, Charlie discovers something about Eva (essentially that she’s as sleazy as he is) that causes him to start heavily drinking, making dumb moves at work, being rude to his friends, and neglecting every area of his life.

I hated every single person in this horrible B-movie (with apologies to the letter “B”). And there’s nothing fun or relaxing about watching this insufferable, slow, filthy, racist bore. I literally felt brain cells die while sitting through this utter crap. Best for Gitmo torture material. Yuck. Just yuck.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS TO ISIS BEHEADINGS

Watch the trailer . . .