By Debbie Schlussel

Sorry that I’ve been away for the past few days, but I’ve been very sick. I think I had the flu or a fever or something like that, coupled with the worst cold ever and a horribly sore throat. I could not swallow or eat, and it’s been hard to breathe. And I’m finally starting to feel better (thanks to everyone who expressed concern about my absence). Just in time to post my reviews of the new movies debuting in theaters today. “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” was not screened for critics, which means it’s probably awful. I did like the first installment (read my review). I was going to see it anyway to review it for you, but I was just too sick, last night, to do so. Sorry.

* “True Story“: While this was entertaining, I’m not entirely sure what the point of it was. It’s based on a true story, which is a lot less entertaining than as portrayed in this movie. I know that because I’ve seen the story of convicted murderer Christian Longo (here played by James Franco) and disgraced former New York Times Magazine reporter Mike Finkel (here played by Jonah Hill) on “Dateline NBC” and other TV true crime shows.

Finkel was a high-flying New York Times Magazine writer, until he got caught fabricating a story and was fired. He retreated to his cabin out West when he learned that a fugitive accused murderer, Longo, was apprehended in Mexico, where Longo had assumed Finkel’s identity. Finkel meets Longo in prison, where he is charmed by the accused criminal and begins writing a book asserting Longo’s innocence. It’s quite obvious, though, that the criminal may be smarter than the “smart” writer. The movie explores that relationship.

The movie was mildly entertaining, but it was kinda slow, and there’s nothing to it because there is no suspense. We already know who the murderer is and that the reporter has been disgraced and is trying to make a comeback. So, again, what was the point?

ONE REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Unfriended“: I had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it’s done entirely through technology–videos on Skype, communication on Facebook, etc. That was interesting and done well, as it managed to keep my interest (the movie is very short and under 1.5 hours). On the other hand, as a “thriller” and supposed “scary movie,” it wasn’t that scary or thrilling. And I found the movie, overall, to basically be “cyberrevenge-porn.” The language and images, while accurate for today’s teens, are disturbing, regardless. The movie is essentially revenge for cyberbullying, and it’s not all that satisfying.

The story: a high school student commits suicide, after she was bullied when someone posted an embarrassing online video of the student drunk and with her pants soiled (either by feces or period blood–it’s hard to tell). Did I really need to see this shot up close?! Five of her fellow high school students are online on Skype and Facebook, when they realize that an intruder is interrupting their communications, trolling them, and sending viruses and violent threats their way. The intruder claims to be the dead girl, taking her revenge.

As I said, the use of technology was interesting, but I could have done without the revenge-porn and disturbing images. It was kind of over the top. Plus, no way I’d pay ten bucks plus to see this. Not even close.

TWO MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Monkey Kingdom“: This very cute, G-Rated movie from Disneynature is great entertainment for families with young kids. Narrated by Tina Fey, it follows a female monkey in Sri Lanka and/or India and her cycle of life. The movie shows how she fends for herself and her son as she attempts to fight her way up from the lowest rung in the monkey caste system to the top. There is nothing political about this movie–a big plus, because usually these kinds of movies are preachy propaganda. This one isn’t. And it’s entertaining and endearing.

TWO-AND-HALF REAGANS

Watch the trailer . . .