By Debbie Schlussel

One absolutely bloated dud plus one decent movie among the new releases at theaters this weekend. “Let’s Be Cops” was not screened for critics, probably because it’s a bomb.

* “The Expendables 3“: More like, “Dead Men Walking.” Don’t Expendable your money on this. I warned you when Sylvester Stallone made the first “The Expendables” (read my review), and I warned you again when he made “The Expendables 2” (read my review). Now, consider this my warning on steroids: Don’t. Go. See. This. Horrible. “Movie.” By the way, it also stars Jew-hating racist Mel Gibson, another great reason not to buy a ticket. At least Gibson is playing an evil villain, so he’s not really acting–just playing himself.

This bloated movie stars several action heroes from ’80s and ’90s films, all of whom look every one of their 100 years, even though some of them are only in their 70s and 60s. Harrison Ford looks like someone just plucked him from the nursing home. Ditto for Arnold Schwarzenegger with a bad hair-dye job. But in this movie, Stallone also recruits a new gang of younger action wannabe stars to set the table for the movie you were dying to see next . . . “The Expendables 4.” The movie is packed with action and entirely boring. I could not wait for it to end and to leave the theater. And I say that as a fan of ’80s action hero movies. This is an insult to those.

The story (if you can call it that): Stallone and buddies break a friend of theirs, Wesley Snipes, out of jail (which is supposed to be funny because, you know, Snipes served time in prison recently). Then, the whole gang tries to capture or kill an evil arms-dealing criminal (Mel Gibson) who is wanted by the CIA (Harrison Ford is the CIA official who contracts with Stallone for the capture or kill), or at least to capture him to get him to the International Criminal Court at The Hague. Huh? Since when did America recognize this lawless, America-hating Third World court? Since Stallone stupidly wrote it into the script, apparently.

But Stallone’s gang of older action heroes is too old, and they can’t get Gibson. Instead, he manages to send at least one of them to the hospital and make them look like old fools. So, Stallone enlists Kelsey Grammer to help him recruit a whole new action hero gang of youngsters, including MMA fighter Ronda Rousey. But the youngsters can’t cut it either, so eventually, both the old and young crew go to get Gibson and they are trapped, where they are rescued by geezers Schwarzenegger and Ford. Yeah, like that would happen.

I was waiting for Schwarzenegger’s illegit son with the maid to come and rescue this sorry crowd and begin his action movie career. But, instead, tabloid news shows reported that Schwarzenegger left his son and the maid to stand out with the masses in the crowd of fans at the Hollywood premiere of this absolutely awful piece of schlock.

Lots of incredibly ridiculous, entirely non-credible stunts, lots of action, and lots of things being blown up. But the only thing that should have been blown up here is this crappy movie.

Skip it.

TWO MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Giver“: Although this stiff, stilted, highly-stylized movie borrows a lot from many other movies I’ve seen about totalitarianism and hyper-control by government, I still liked it, if only for the mockery it makes of political correctness and for the touching, pro-Christianity/religion ending, a rarity in Hollywood. I did not like the stark and prominent inclusion of scenes of Muslims praying and Islamic “joy” in telling us what is real joy. Really? Then, why are Muslims always angry, blowing up things, and killing people.

Set in the future, the movie takes place in a new world, in which everything is controlled by a government of “elders,” headed by Meryl Streep in a stringy grey wig. In this world, there is no color, no memory of the past or history, no music, no religion, no emotion, and everyone is equal. The elders made it this way because they felt that emotions and jealousy cause wars and pain. And, so, nobody has anything anyone else doesn’t have, and everyone takes daily medications to stifle all feeling and emotion. Even the mention of “love” or anything that isn’t sanctioned results in a scolding about the use of “precise language.” And there is no real family. Certain women are appointed to give birth, and babies are assigned to family “units.” Babies that aren’t up to snuff are murdered–put out of their and everyone else’s misery. The same thing happens to old people. Oh, and the elders decide what children will do for a living, once they reach a certain age.

Jonas is a teen who has been appointed to a special job: he will become the “Receiver.” That means that he will go to visit Jeff Bridges, “the Keeper of Memories,” the only man in the community who knows world history or anything of the past world, including wars, love, and pain. He communicates those visions to Jonas, who will become the next “Keeper of Memories” and will advise the community’s elders. But Jonas, in discovering these feelings and events in history sees that there is something more to life than what is decided by the elders in this black and white community. He begins to see color, feel joy, pain, love, and other emotions. And he wants more for himself. First, he tries to change the community and protest. Then, he tries to escape.

Taylor Swift is much ballyhooed as a “co-star” in this movie but she really (and thankfully) only sings a couple of lines in one quick scene.

TWO REAGANS

Watch the trailer . . .