By Debbie Schlussel

So, June is almost over, and this summer is really shaping up to be a season of duds at the box office. Here’s what’s new in theaters, this weekend:

* “Transformers: Age of Extinction“: This is the fourth installment of the Transformers movies, and probably the worst. At two hours and forty-five minutes long, it’s the longest of them and probably the most brainless (though there is stiff competition among the Transformers sequels in that category). It’s the same old story you see in each Transformers movie: a group of aliens that transform from cars to giant robots are divided into two groups–the good ones (Autobots) and the bad ones (Decepticons). The bad ones want to destroy the earth. The good ones want to save humanity from the bad ones.

In this installment, Mark Wahlberg plays a Texas single father who is struggling to make ends meet and watch over his beautiful daughter, as she sneaks around with a boyfriend. It’s the aftermath of the battle of the Tranformers from the last installment, where they battled it out in Chicago and left a lot of carnage. In a tired old Hollywood narrative of hatred toward the American military and defense contractors, an evil defense contractor is reviving the Decepticons’ brains and their race by building new robots with their intelligence. This will destroy the world. The defense contractor is aided by evil U.S. soldiers and an evil U.S. national security adviser (Kelsey Grammer, who pretends to be a conservative in real life, but then plays this kind of garbage role). Wahlberg buys an old, junked truck, which he rebuilds, only to discover it is an Autobot. Together, he, his daughter, and her boyfriend battle on the side of the Autobots to defeat the Decepticons, taking them to China for a long, drawn-out battle.

While the special effects are good, the story is old, tired, boring, and extremely repetitive. The movie goes on way too long as do the endless, repeat battles. There is action overload and little story. But, then, that’s all Transformers movies except the first one (read my review). It gets old fast. I also question the use of at least two four-letter words in a movie heavily marketed to kids and based on toys. It was also funny to hear Mark Wahlberg giving his daughter’s Irish boyfriend a hard time over his non-Texas accent, when Wahlberg makes no attempt to hide his South Boston Texas accent.

I found the movie long and boring and not worth the money or time. But you know what you get when you go to a Transformers movie, or should by now. And given that, and since there’s nothing really objectionable about the movie (other than vilifying defense contractors), I’m being very generous in giving it . . .

HALF A REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Obvious Child“: More like, “Obvious Crap.” The feel-good abortion comedy of the year. An absolutely vile, disgusting, despicable, horrid movie about a crappy in-your-face, loser, 20-something comedienne-wannabe who–in case you didn’t know–is a self-hating Jew and makes sure you don’t forget, as she constantly tells offensive anti-Semitic, disgusting, self-hating jokes about things like having sex with a menorah and lesbians attending “Birthright” (the Jewish program that gives Jewish kids a free trip to see Israel). She unfortunately looks like Anne Frank, and so she tells gross Holocaust jokes, too. Oh, and that’s in the midst of her “comedy” routine about women’s vaginal discharge on panties. If you think she sounds like Sarah Silverman, trust me: she perpetrates the impossible feat of making Silverman look like a lady. Think HBO’s “Girls” on steroids. Low-class to the max. (The movie is also chock full of unfunny fart and bathroom “humor.” Yuck.)

If I were a Klansman or a neo-Nazi, I would use Jenny Slate–who plays the lead role of Donna Stern–and this movie as Exhibits A and B of why I hated Jews. Stern gets dumped by her boyfriend–she shares every detail about their sex lives and his penis in her comedy act–and loses her job within days. She is depressed and gets drunk before performing a very bad comedy set. Then, she meets a Gentile gentlemanly mensch of a guy at the bar and has a one-night stand with him. He, being a good guy, tracks her down and wants to take her on a proper date, but she repeatedly rejects and treats him badly. Oh, and did I mention that she’s pregnant with his kid and hasn’t told him (despite oversharing every single disgusting private detail of her life in her comedy act)?

In the meantime, Donna has decided to get an abortion, which everyone in her life tells her is a very pleasant, easy experience. No big deal at all. No mention that it’s a life or anything else. Donna’s lesbionic roommate, the hideous Gaby Hoffmann, tells her that she had one and it was the best thing she ever did in her life. When Donna tells her mother she’s getting an abortion, the mom reacts, “Thank G-d, I thought you were going to tell me you were moving to Los Angeles. I’m so relieved.” You see, Donna’s mother also had an abortion, and she, too, is so happy she had one. Again, no big deal.

When Donna finally “tells” the guy that she is pregnant with his child and is about to extinguish its life, it isn’t to him personally. Instead, she invites him to her comedy act, and she tells the audience she’s preggers and getting an abortion the next morning, on Valentine’s Day. She jokes and laughs about it. Haha, funny.

The guy is the kind of mensch and decent man you’d never believe in real life would ever be interested in this horrible woman. He would never chase after her and end up with her. She is simply unworthy. As is this movie, which is getting rave reviews from all the mainstream media movie critics, who are all liberals.

The only thing that’s really “Obvious” here is your need to skip this and save 1.5 hours and ten bucks-plus.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR BETTY FRIEDANS

Watch the trailer . . .

* Le Chef [Comme Un Chef]“: While this isn’t a “great” movie or anything earth-shattering, it is charming, enjoyable, and a nice 84 minutes of escapism. A stuffy, renowned French Three-Star chef is under pressure from the company that bought his restaurant to use the company’s substandard products and ingredients in his food. And he’s under pressure to reduce costs and change his classic style of cooking in favor of modern “molecular” cuisine. He refuses, and the CEO of the company that owns the restaurant threatens to get his Three-Star rating reduced so the chef can be fired.

Meanwhile, the famous chef’s biggest fan–a sous chef who is a classical cooking perfectionist–keeps getting fired from jobs because he insists that customers eat food only as he deigns acceptable. Soon, the sous chef is stuck painting windowpanes at a senior citizens’ home in order to have a paycheck and hold on to his pregnant girlfriend. But the sous chef cannot stay away from cooking and teaches the home’s chefs how to make excellent food for the senior citizens residents. Ultimately, the famous chef learns of the sous chef and hires him. Together, they plot to keep the three-star rating and foil the threatening CEO.

Light, fun, entertaining, and enjoyable (thought predictable).

TWO REAGANS

Watch the trailer . . .