By Debbie Schlussel

“Out of the Furnace,” the new Christian Bale movie in theaters today, should have stayed inside the furnace and spared America. It’s horribly violent, incredibly depressing, long, slow, boring, and pointless. Oh, and did I mention that it’s dark, dreary, and every single person in it is miserable, dead, or soon to be one or both?

Bale’s a great actor–one of my favorites–but this movie is a waste of your ten-plus bucks and two hours. You’ll walk out of the movie at the end–if you aren’t smart enough to walk out in the middle and cut your losses–noting that a time bandit just robbed you of valuable life you ain’t gonna get back . . . ever. Life is simply too short to spend it in a dark theater subjected to this wonderless tripe. The rest of this review is filled with spoilers, so if you wanna be a dummy and see this crap anyway, don’t read on. You were forewarned. For everyone else, keep reading.

Bale is a working-class guy near Appalachia who works in a steel mill. He is the most loyal brother and son you’ll ever find. A great guy, but everything bad befalls him despite his good nature. His father is dying of some illness, apparently lung cancer, and his brother, Casey Affleck, owes a local loan shark/bartender owner lots of money. Bale earns the money and pay off the “creditor,” but he accidentally kills someone in a car crash on the way back, and he goes to prison for several years (apparently he was drunk?–they don’t really tell you). In prison, he is beaten violently. When he gets out, he learns that the love of his life (Zoe Saldana) is pregnant and engaged to someone else, even though she still loves him, so that’s over.

He also learns that his brother–who has spent several tours of duty for the Army in Iraq and Afghanistan–cannot find work and is instead working as a street fighter for the loan shark (yup, another Hollywood far-left movie that belittles a life serving in the U.S. Armed Forces and makes it look worthless). Affleck wants to make more money and win more violent street fights, so he convinces the loan shark to take him to the Appalachians, where the fights are controlled by evil gangster Woody Harrelson. Harrelson wants Affleck to throw the fights, which he doesn’t want to do, but eventually does. Harrelson doesn’t keep his part of the bargain and murders both the loan shark and Affleck. After the bodies are found, Bale lures Harrelson and finally gives him what he deserves. The end.

The movie not only looks down on life as a U.S. soldier, but also on small town, working-class life in America. Two more reasons–among many–to skip this like the plague.

Don’t be fooled by the incredibly misleading trailer, which is a whole lot more exciting than this two hours of utter garbage. Like I said, I warned ya. If you go see this anyway, you’re in DENSA, not MENSA.

And bring some caffeine. This bleeping waste of time will put you to sleep.

Incredibly skipworthy.

FOUR MARXES

Watch the trailer . . .