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November 9, 2012, - 4:03 pm

“Skyfall”: This James Bond is Lackluster, Silly; Bond is NOT BLOND!

By Debbie Schlussel

When I returned home from the screening of “Skyfall,” earlier this week, I purchased the domain names BondIsNotBlond.com and JamesBondIsNotBlond.com. They’ll take you to my very first take on Daniel Craig as James Bond. My views haven’t changed. He’s puny, effeminate and way too thin in others. And he’s blond, despite the fact that Sir Ian Fleming’s James Bond was dark and swarthy.

And it doesn’t help that the villain in this latest Bond installment, in theaters today, manhandles Bond in a very gay way, unbuttoning his shirt, and putting his hand on Bond’s chest (to which Bond responds, “What makes you think this is my first time?”). It had an icky, in-your-face-political correctness vibe to it. But this is the new politically correct James Bond. I don’t care about race, but it’s not by accident that Moneypenny is now a Black chick and the villain is a weird, bleach blond gay freak (Javier Bardem), who looks like the Wikileaks dude on steroids. The only really cool part was when he removes half of his jaw from his face–not for the faint-hearted, but no biggie if you watch superhero movies. And like America and the rest of the West in this Obama era, the plot is dumbed down beyond the dumbing down you normally get in a Bond plot.

Bond has a scruffy goatee for about half of the movie, and it’s just not Bond-esque. James Bond is classy AND clean shaven. But not here. We’re forced to learn more of the sensitive, metrosexual man stuff, learning about what “makes Bond the way he is,” and it’s your typical Lifetime movie of the week deal in which his parents were killed when he was young. Oh, and their names were Andrew and Monique Delacroix Bond. Really? Is that what Ian Fleming wrote about? I don’t think so.

The story: James Bond is in Turkey, trying to get a mysterious list from a villain named Patrice. The list turns out to be the list of every undercover operative working for the West in terrorist groups. But Bond is shot down in friendly fire, on orders from “M.” He falls into the water and is presumed drowned and dead. But we know that would never happen or there would be no James Bond movies left. So you know that soon he’ll reappear alive–not exactly a spoiler. Soon “M” and MI6 are targeted through computer viruses and bombings. And the motivation of the villain, “Silver” (Bardem), is silly and not believable.

I’m sure the Bond fanboys will kill me for saying so, but I found this Bond to be either the worst of the three Daniel Craig Bond movies, or a close tie with the absurd “Quantum of Solace.” It was slow and boring. There isn’t nearly as much action and cool cars as you’re used to in a typical Bond movie. In fact, there’s just one cool car, and it’s a throwback. There aren’t even any cool gadgets. The ones that the new, young “Q” gives Bond are blah. And the Bond girls, which are there for the male Bond fans, well, there are only two of them (not counting Moneypenny), and they’re barely there.

The movie is a half-assed Bond movie. I feel like the Broccolis, who hold tight to the franchise, phoned it in to fill their bank accounts with more cash. Even the theme song by Adele was crappy.

I was excited for this movie and expected more. I got less. If you’re wondering about the title, Skyfall is the name of Bond’s childhood manor in Scotland (and it was funny how neither he nor the Scotsman who lived in the home had Scottish accents). I know—who cares?

One other thing: execs of now-Muslim-owned Aston Martin (who used sharia to stiff creditors attended the screening, and they had several modern Aston Martins parked outside the theater as a promotion. The cars were so unimpressive compared to the old-style versions in Bond movies of the past. These new cars looked like Japanese imports or semi-Corvettes. More cheesy than sleek and chick.

And that’s kinda how I view this latest Bond flick. It’s mildly entertaining but just doesn’t hold a candle to what we’ve come to expect from James Bond. But it’s a letdown, and I’m being generous when I give it . . .

ONE REAGAN
reagancowboy

Watch the trailer . . .

Tags: Albert Brocolli, Andrew Bond, Aston Martin, Bond is Not Blond, Broccoli family, Daniel Craig, James Bond, James Bond is Not Blond, Javier Bardem, M, Moneypenny, Monique Delacroix Bond, Scotland, Silver, Skyfall, Skyfall movie, Skyfall movie review, Skyfall review

36 Responses

“Watch the trailer” . . .

No thanks.

ebayer on November 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Of the Danial Craig Bonds I have seen, I like him as Bond. Will try to see this one with wifey, she likes action movies. I don’t try to compare them to each other while watching the movies, other than compared to the last movie THAT bond made. Of course, Sean Connery is the best Bond, but I think Craig is the next best.

WilliamMunny on November 9, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Never, ever got into James Bond. Just stating that for the record (not saying they weren’t worth my time). I liked Timothy Dalton best…but he is the only one I ever saw. I’d prolly like George Lazenby, the Australian. Pierce Brosnan would bore me to tears but @ the gym I saw bits of one of his (with Halle “Hit & Run” Berry) and I was impressed by the visuals.

Again, just my opinion but I can never get excited for Daniel Craig. In “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” I kept wishing Viggo Mortensen had the role. I’m no Viggo fan…but he’s been super in the few movies I have seen him in. I think I really liked Mara Rooney’s acting (and look)in TGWTDT. Not a great film but I do like it more than I should.

Scottish accents are the only English speaking films I NEED captions for. I am good to go with Australians, can get through a British accent film with few bumps but those Scottish accents…fuggetaboutit…I need FULL translation.

Skunky on November 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm

What the hell does prolly mean?

Stan Marsh on November 10, 2012 at 6:54 am

The best Bond was Sean Connery. The sexiest Bond girl was Jill St. John. The best side kick villian was Odd Job. The best plot was Goldfinger. James Bond should drink martinis not beer. The Aston Martin with the ejection seat was the coolest and most realistic gadget of all the Q inventions. Just my humble opinion.

I refuse to see the “gay friendly” politically correct Bond movies.

Michael on November 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I watched the movie, and found it unbelievably mediocre. Aside from everything Debbie said, in previous movies, Bond never looked like Superman, they way he did here, when he survived falling into the waterfall.

Also, in the past, when the enemies were either Russians or the mob, it was more interesting. Here, w/ the enemy Silver being from within MI6 (am I allowed to say that here, or is that a spoiler?), it really looked very contrived – the whole plot. The other unbelievable thing about the movie was a slam on MI6/M – when she reveals to Bond that b’cos Silver would take certain liberties, they turned him in to the Chinese in return for a few of their agents. In all other Bond movies, the agency was never slammed in that manner the way it was here.

I do believe the time has come for a successor to Bond, who would take on Jihadis everywhere, sleep w/ Muslimahs and so on. The Russian thing has gotten old already – the Russkies can’t even get people to volunteer for their army, thanks to the fears people have of their kids getting killed there. Also, it wouldn’t be credible of Britain to take a tough stand against the Jihad. A good candidate country would be either Australia or Israel – have a personality from there, and give him all the adventures. Have him go from Casablanca to Dubai to Bahrein to Cairo to Damascus to Istanbul and so on, and do all his stuff. It will be more interesting.

Infidel on November 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

As a typical antisemetic Brit, Fleming’s book villains had been hook-nosed, evil Jewish stereotypes which were cleaned up for the movies. Debbie, please don’t waste your time. It is too valuable.

Nighthawk on November 9, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Nighthawk, your conclusion about the villains in Fleming’s original Bond novels being Jewish stereotypes isn’t correct.

No doubt, you are thinking about such characters as Goldfinger and Blofeld.

I’d agree that Auric Goldfinger would typically be a Jewish name, and, in fact, Fleming named the character after Erno Goldfinger, a Hungarian Jew. But the Goldfinger in the Fleming novel was from Latvia, whose population is mostly Christian. Fleming described Blofeld, on the other hand, as being of Polish and Greek heritage.

And most of Fleming’s other villains also don’t evince any characteristics or background of Jewishness, such as Dr. No, Rosa Klebb, Donovan Grant, Oddjob, Mr. Big, Scaramanda, Zorin, Largo, Le Chiffre, and Hugo Drax, to name a few of the best known ones. In fact, the only other Fleming villain I can think of in the Bond novels that we could reasonably conclude is Jewish is Sol “Horror” Horowitz from “The Spy Who Loved Me.” But Horowitz’s boss was named Sanguinetti.

Given these facts, I think the most reasonable conclusion that could be made about the villains that Fleming created is that they tend to be “foreigners,” antithetical to the mainstream British demographic that prevailed at the time Fleming wrote his novels. I may write more about this in my Ph.D. dissertation if I pursue a graduate degree in Bondology.

Ralph Adamo on November 11, 2012 at 8:11 am

Craig looks like a chimp in a tuxedo. I give his James Bond 2 bananas. Both rotten.

Shadowmaster on November 9, 2012 at 9:08 pm

As someone who read every James Bond novel written by Ian Fleming and the contract writers, I can honestly say that some of the comments above are the most ridiculous I have ever read.
“hook-nosed, evil Jewish stereotypes “… Wow. Not hardly. In the first bond novel the villain was a French Communist, in From Russia with Love you had a swarthy Grant and Russian KGB types including a female villain Rosa Kleb.
Ernst Stavros Blofeld had a complete backstory… NOT Jewish… Not “hook nosed”. There was a black heroine king pin (Mr. Big), an italian mobster (Scaramanga), even Auric Goldfinger, who was named for an architect who had designed one of Fleming’s homes was a Balt Latvian expatriate.. I could go on, but you get my point.
Debbie, heard you on Church… Yes Fleming provided back story on Bond in his novels (he was an orphan and his parents died in a mountain climbing accident and the names in the film were correct), and while Craig is missing the jet black hair, he closely resembles a modern version of the gritty, no nonsense Bond of the early Fleming novels rather than the campy gadget employing Roger Moore style bond.
For a true Bond fan, this was a true homage on the 50th anniversary of the iconic agent.

Carlo on November 10, 2012 at 2:35 am

“As someone who read every James Bond novel written by Ian Fleming…”
No, Carlo, you almost certainly read the bowdlerized American versions.
Fleming was both a racist and an anti-Semite, a fact readily apparent in the original British publications.
In OHMSS, Blofeld is described as having undergone cosmetic surgery to disguise the(Jewish)appearance of his earlobes in order to claim a European title.
“Goldfinger” is described as a “Jewish” name.
In Live And Let Die, an early chapter is called “Nigger Heaven,” unsurprisingly renamed for the American version.

morgan on November 10, 2012 at 5:20 am

Morgan, your conclusion is incorrect, as was Nighthawk’s. The Bond novels published for distribution in the USA have not been bowdlerized to the extent you suggest. Yes, the chapter called “Nigger Heaven” was renamed “Seventh Avenue” by publisher Macmillan for the American version of “Live and Let Die,” but I’m not aware of any other significant changes. Certanly nothing along the lines that you suggest.

Again, as noted in my post above, neither Goldfinger nor Blofeld have backgrounds that indicate that they are Jewish. Just the opposite. Although your reference to the ear “lobes” of Blofeld, indicates that Fleming intended Blofeld to have some Jewish appearance and that Blofeld sought to change that appearance, that does not mean that Blofeld himself was actually Jewish. Blofeld was depicted as being of Polish/Greek heritage, and that does not comport with your interpretation of the character.

Ralph Adamo on November 11, 2012 at 8:34 am

Forget James Bond. We need a series of films with Mac Bolan, “The Exicutioner.” Don Pendleton’s macho crime fighter. http://www.donpendleton.com/executionerseries.html

Kent on November 10, 2012 at 9:54 am

Actually Fleming himself described Bond as resembling a young Hoagy Charmichael, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoagy_Carmichael

who, while dark haired was not particularly swarthy or manly looking. Choosing Sean Connery for the role was pure Hollywood sex obsession.

The most effective spies are people who blend in and are totally unremarkable looking.

Italkit on November 10, 2012 at 10:44 am

I saw the movie last night.
I could have done without the gay villain.
I was disappointed by the Bond girls.
The two really hot ones were there and gone very quickly.
The black girl I would rate as pretty, but several levels below Bond girl status.
When I go to a Bond movie I expect to see the most beautiful women in the world. When the cashiers at my local grocery or hardware store are hotter than the Bond girls I just paid to see, I feel I didn’t get my money’s worth.
This latest reboot of the franchise has not figured that out.

AS with all Bond films, you need to check your brain at the door and enjoy the ride. The plot had holes you could fly a 747 through.
One example out of many. The villain escapes because he hacked into the MI6 computer. Because the MI6 computer genius is trying to decode the villain’s laptop. First off nobody would be stupid enough to plug the villains computer into the MI6 network and secondly MI6 would not trust all electronic locks. There would have been a backup keyed lock on his cell.

It was a fun movie, but don’t expect to walk away more educated or closer to God from the experience.

Steve on November 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Steve, I’m with you on the bond girls. The “Bond girls” in the latest film were nice-looking and I would date any one of them, but like you, I can go to the local Whole Foods or the nearest mall and see “nice-looking”. I expect Bond girls to be breathtakingly GORGEOUS. These over-the-top gorgeous kind of women are part of the fun, escapist fantasy that is a Bond movie…I don’t know why the filmmakers are leaving out this crucial aspect of the Bond franchise.

D. O'Nay on November 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I thought Timothy Dalton was the worst James Bond. I take that back, there was one worse, I don’t recall his name, but he was one of the bad guys in one movie, then James Bond in the next one. I thought Pearce Broznan was really good. Bob Green, a columnist for the Chicago Tribune noted that James Bond is “tall, dark and handsome”, then proposed Micheal Jordan for the part.

John Illinois on November 10, 2012 at 2:36 pm

“Oh, and their names were Andrew and Monique Delacroix Bond. Really? Is that what Ian Fleming wrote about? I don’t think so.” I do think so, do your homework, he writes their names in “you only live twice.” a quick search of Wikipedia would have taken two minutes of your time and restored some credibility to your idiotic review. Daniel Craig has been the best bond since Connery, if not better, and restored the grit and darkness that Bond showed in the novels, rather than the commercialized and campy films that were poured out in the middle of the series. This has been an excellent reboot for a series, casino royale and skyfall both fall somewhere in the top 5 of the entire series.

J on November 10, 2012 at 9:07 pm

J, you’re correct that Fleming later developed a background for the Bond character and named his parents Andrew and Monique Delacroix Bond. The characters died in an accident climbing the French Alps.

And Italkit, you’re also correct that Fleming had Hoagy Charmichael–an attorney and one of America’s great songwriters–in mind for the physical appearance of the Bond character. Here’s a photo of him: http://www.starscolor.com/imgs/4478-hoagy-carmichael-6.html

I would also agree that Daniel Craig is a very good actor, and that the problems with the latest Bond films (other than the remake of Casino Royale) have much more to do with the scripts, than Craig’s acting.

Ralph Adamo on November 11, 2012 at 8:59 am

Well, Debbie, thanks again. You kept me from taking my kids to see “Skyfall.” After your review, I saw that the director of the movie was Sam Mendes, the homosexual who directed the anti-heterosexual, anti-marriage anti-American “American Beauty.” What he did to James Bond reminds me of what the homosexual Joel Schumacher did to Batman and Robin.

Anyway, the best James Bond was Sean Connery. The second best was Roger Moore. Yes Ian Fleming was a racist and anti-Semite, as he reflected the ideas of the British upper class of his day and time. So was Agatha Christie, as her best selling novel was named “Ten Little Niggers” which of course was later retitled (blast political correctness!)

I guess I will just watch the Connery/Moore James Bonds on Netflix and similar and ignore most of the modern movies. Even Pixar is turning against me, with feminist/neo-pagan “Brave” this year and “Dia De Los Muertos” coming out soon.

Gerald on November 11, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Disagree with Debbie on this one. The movie was great. Lots of action and the characters had depth. The kimodo dragon was a big too big to look real though.

doug on November 11, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I haven’t seen this movie yet but I think that I’ll pass. Craig’s portrayl of Bond is jst too non swauve for me. Connery, Moore, Brosnan, and even Dalton had that down. Also in my opinion those are the best 007s in that order. Who would have thought that Hollyweird could fine a more crummy actor to play Blonde, er, I mean Bond but they did.

Ken b on November 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

The only thing that scares me is another crappy Bond film falling on my head. The franchise has been flailing around since Moore. It should have been called pale shadow fall.

Frankz on November 11, 2012 at 6:27 pm

You’ve got to be kidding. This is not just a great Bond movie; it’s a great movie. It’s all about blowback and the price individual people pay to keep nations safe and why it has to be that way. Judi Dench is brilliant as M. Almost every event in the film could actually happen. The locales are exotic and interesting. The technology is 100% feasible. (No invisible cars.) And the women are both interesting and sexy. Also, Fleming did give his Bond a biography and the parental names are accurate in the film.

fleiter on November 11, 2012 at 9:12 pm

After watching, and being bored to tears by, “Casino Royale”, I’ve sworn off the new Bond movies and haven’t watched any since. the key thing about a Bond movie is you have to identify with him and want to be like him. Who wouldn’t want to be Sean Connery in “Goldfinger” or “From Russia With Love”? I could care less what happens to Daniel Craig’s Bond, let alone want to be like him.

DavidJ on November 11, 2012 at 10:45 pm

You don’t care about race but goes bonkers over hair color. At least Bond remain a White British heterosexual male…consider the other PC alternatives of making him Black or even female. As for the gay thing, I don’t see anything PC about it and I am surprised this haven’t happened sooner as Bond was Metrosexual long before the term was even coined.

KL on November 12, 2012 at 10:27 am

I shall, of course, see “Skyfall.” My reluctant to see it over the weekend was driven solely by my aversion to large crowds, especially loud teens with cell phones. I’ll enjoy it immensely, of course, regardless of how many “holes” there are in the plot (I regard hunting for plot “holes” as one of the more irritating facets of today’s film critics).

If you really want to know why David Horowitz’s web site, frontpage.com, has become a loony bin as of late, read Ben Shapiro’s take on the film in today’s edition. Ben has a gimlet eye when it comes to identifying a homo subtext.

Seek on November 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

If you really want to know why David Horowitz’s web site, frontpagemag.com, has become a loony bin as of late, read Ben Shapiro’s take on the film in today’s edition. Ben has a gimlet eye when it comes to identifying a homo subtext.

Seek on November 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Debbie do us all a favor and jump in traffic. The world will be severely better off without you.

Worthless bitch

You're worthless on November 12, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I actually like the gentle transgressions against Bond tropes. Yes, Daniel Craig is a little shorter (5’10” vs. the rest at 6’+) and has blond hair, but it’s such a minor change- it’s not like they hired Warwick Davis or Alexander Skarsgard or Rosie O’Donnell.

Having never read the books (as is apparently the case with Debbie as well, as she didn’t know about Bond’s parents and considers the close-up of a gravestone tantamount to making an action movie a Lifetime Movie), I can only make an educated guess that Bond was not in the habit of wearing toupees to cover up his baldness. Yet who bitches about casting Sean Connery and his rug back in the day?

I love Moneypenny’s comment after shaving off Bond’s 15 minutes of scruff: “Now you look the part”. That kind of quasi-breaking of the 4th wall, implicitly referring to previous Bond’s image of clean-shaven, is a nice touch of humor. Or Casino Royale’s reference to the “shaken not stirred” line: “Do I look like I give a damn?”

“He’s puny, effeminate and way too thin in others.”
“Too old and haggard looking. And he’s way too thin (scrawny) and small”

As for Craig being too skinny or haggard to play Bond- he is quite muscular, considerably more than any image of Bond I’ve seen before him, and does two months of physical training to prep for more intensive stunts than were performed in the oldest Bond movies.

And at 43, he is considerably younger than Roger Moore, who played Bond until the ripe old age of 57. Bond can be suave and not look like an air-brushed model.

Robert on November 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Sorry folks…No James Bond except Sean Connery..”not blond” funny my wife said the same…..Roger Moore, will forever be “The Saint”..not J. Bond.

ancestral_norman on November 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

“They’ll take you to my very first take on Daniel Craig as James Bond. My views haven’t changed. He’s puny, effeminate and way too thin in others.”

He looks pretty strong to me for someone who is supposed to be effeminate. You don’t get shoulders and biceps like that from doing nothing physcial. He was a full contact rugby player in high school.
Incidetally – you can always tell something a person’s standard of character based on the way they talk about others, or just tap it away behind the safety of a keyboard.

rog on December 10, 2012 at 1:10 am

Fleming didn’t write about Andrew and Monique Delacroix Bond?

Straight out of “You Only Live Twice” (the 1964 book), Andrew Bond was Scottish and Monique was Swiss, and they died in a mountain climbing accident when James Bond was 11, after which he was raised by his aunt.

Read the books before you rant about what Fleming did and didn’t write about.

At least do research on December 22, 2012 at 5:13 am

Schlussel, in your rant, you criticize the movie Skyfall for not following Fleming’s vision of James bond. Yet you criticize the movie by saying, “There aren’t even any cool gadgets. The ones that the new, young “Q” gives Bond are blah.” In Flemings novels, James Bond does not receive any “cool gadgets”. Has a gun and thats about it. Flemings novels are more realistic and believable. The old roger moore movies with his fictional gadgets and him coming out of a fight with perfect hair are what makes those old movies cheesy. They tarnish the original Bond Fleming’s describes more than any other! Craig comes out bloody and bruised when he fights. This pays homage to the violent, gritty, and realistic Bond Fleming invisioned.

wes on December 30, 2012 at 11:09 pm

First of all Fuck you Debbie.

Second, Hes a great Bond.

Third, What’s wrong with a Blond Bond? Its a trend in Hollywood nowadays to only make weak/evil/gay male characters blond, so they make one admirable male character blond and you hate it? As a blond man I enjoy seeing people who look like me being a hero as opposed to a villain (ironically, they had to make Bardem even blonder in Skyfall because he was evil lol).

So fuck you Debbie, traitor to your German sounding name. If you want swarthy go watch Jersey Shore.

Cory on February 22, 2013 at 11:51 am

The film started quite well but then became ridiculously silly.

Dave in NW3 on February 22, 2013 at 3:16 pm

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“Skyfall”: This James Bond is Lackluster, Silly; Bond is NOT BLOND!

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