June 17, 2009, - 3:56 pm
As We Approach Father’s Day, Is Your Child’s Mother a “Gatekeeper”?
By Debbie Schlussel
As I’ve noted previously on this site many times, fathers are under-appreciated in America, and Father’s Day is deemed of less importance than Mother’s Day.
Part of the reason is the constant attack on men and father’s in TV show, movies, and the rest of pop culture. Another part is custody laws that favor mothers and almost never grant custody to fathers.
But perhaps another part of the problem is mothers who are “gatekeepers.” I don’t like the name, because it’s a newfangled, sanitized term used by the Wall Street Journal and a new study, for a phenomenon that’s very old: wives/mothers who denigrate their husbands and criticize everything they do, usually in front of the children.
The benefits of having a positive, involved father are well-documented by decades of research.
Now, scholars are focusing their microscopes on an obstacle to fathers’ involvement: “gatekeeping” by mothers who control or hamper fathers’ interactions with their children. . . .
“The more we understand these patterns, the more parents will be able to make conscious and deliberate choices” about parenting, says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, assistant professor of human development at the Ohio State University.
Of course, fathers are free to choose their level of involvement. But negative gatekeeping by mothers — grimaces or criticism when men try to change a diaper or feed or play with a baby — can block out even fathers who believe they should be involved, says a 2008 study in the Journal of Family Psychology, led by Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan. . . .
In other cases, women aren’t conscious of their gatekeeping. Some women whose sense of identity is strongly tied to being a mother may fend off help in order to bolster their self-image, research shows. Others are simply inclined by nature to bond closely; caring for a baby may be so engrossing for these women that they crowd out dads, says a 2008 study in the journal Family Process.
Unfortunately, the study and Wall Street Journal columnist Sue Shellenbarger seem to be more concerned with getting men to change diapers and take part in childcare, which is NOT the same thing as “fathering.” Fathering is setting examples, teaching lessons and skills, and being a masculine role model for both sons and daughters (who need to learn the proper way a real man treats women and not accept anything less). It is NOT being Mr. Mom, which the Wall Street Journal and the study seem not to get.
Changing a million diapers doesn’t make you a great Dad. And “Gatekeeper” mothers aren’t great Moms.
This is a symptom of something larger. It really is no coincidence that gay marriage has gained the level of acceptance that it has in the last 20 years. The blurring of gender roles has downgraded the idea of distinct male and female roles in childrearing, and so a major prop behind traditional marriage is removed. So, why aren’t two lesbians, two gay men, or a transgendered person just as well suited for childrearing, if the old family model is simply reactionary garbage without any value? This is an argument that is increasingly advanced, due to this problem.
Worry01 on June 17, 2009 at 4:37 pm