By Debbie Schlussel
So many crappy movies, so little time. And yet I waste my valuable life-hours to watch this trash, so you don’t have to.
* “The Changeling“: Even though this stars Palestinian-terrorist-lover Angie Voight a/k/a “Angelina Jolie” (who cheered Palestinian kids as they sang of their desire to get revenge while taking “back” Jerusalem), it’s halfway decent. But not because of her. And not because of her naked butt and the shower scene either. Not sure why this mother of six has this need to constantly show us her naked rear in movies. Grow up, chickie.

This thriller, directed by anti-war faux-Republican Clint Eastwood, is entertaining, but waaaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooooo loooooooooong. At nearly 2.5 hours, I was antsy, as it veeeery slowly tells a story that could’ve been told in 1.5 hours. And the real star–the real entertainment in the movie–is great actor and supporting cast member John Malkovich, of whom we don’t see nearly enough of in this movie. If only they’d spent half as much effort on editing this flick down as they did on the marvelous 1920s wardrobe and set design, the best thing about the movie.
It’s the “based-on-a-true-story” feature about a single mother in the 1920s whose young son suddenly disappears. She searches in desperation for him, while authorities return a boy who is not her son and force her to act as if he is. This is despite the fact that the boy is three inches shorter than her son and, unlike him, is circumcised. When she’s had enough, the Los Angeles police frame her for insanity and lock her up. They’re basically abusive and act outside the law. Malkovich plays a German-American Presbyterian minister with a radio show who rails against police corruption.
In addition to the length, the movie seemed cold to me, especially Angie Voight Pitt’s acting. She seemed distant and not angry and sad enough for a mother whose kid is missing. At other times the movie seemed way overwrought in places it shouldn’t have been.
I could have done without the scenes–albeit not graphic–of a guy chopping kids up, and the shower scene of a naked Angie Voight being hosed down by nurses in a sanitarium, complete with butt-shot. It seemed a gratuitous stunt that won’t fix this movie’s problems, espcially of length.
Otherwise, it was mildly entertaining and nearly halfway decent.
ONE-AND-A-HALF REAGANS

* “Zack and Miri Make a Porno“: If you wonder why America is going down the tubes fast, it’s “movies” like this.
This vile, disgusting excuse for a movie should have been rated NC-17. But I’ll bet tons of mindless American parents–the same ones voting for Barack Obama–will let their kids see this trash. Since it’s by Kevin Smith, I suppose I should be happy that it didn’t contain what he called “interspecies erotica”, like “Clerks 2“ (read my review). Lots of full-frontal nudity of both sexes in this semi-porn piece of garbage.
In the “good old days”, if Superman–say, actor Christopher Reeve–played a gay porn actor in celluloid scuzz like this, his contract to play the man of steel would be voided out. But not the case with Brandon Routh, the current star of the Superman franchise and, in this movie, gay porn actor “Bobby Long”. I guess this means we’ve “evolved”, or rather devolved. Even the dinosaurs had better decency standards.
Zack (Seth Rogen, fat star of all that is gross) and Elizabeth Banks play loser roommates who’ve always had crushes on each other. Down and out on their luck and with no money, they attend their high school reunion and discover how washed up they are. So, they decide to shoot their own porno flick, in order to earn enough money to get their electricity, heat, and water turned back on. But while filming this vile enterprise, they fall in love after filming their live sex scene. Awwww. . . how romantic.
Bleccch and Eeeeuuuuwww are the two words that best describe this occasionally funny, but mostly sickening movie. Does America really need to see someone defecate on someone’s face?
If you let your kids see it, you should be sued for malpractice. If you waste your own ten bucks on this, boy are you a loser . . . just like Zack and Miri.
You don’t have to be a prude to hate this movie. But, as this movie shows, sometimes being a prude is highly under-rated.
FOUR MARXES PLUS


* “What Just Happened?“: Robert DeNiro stars as a Hollywood producer who must juggle two ex-wives, kids, and phonies galore, plus erratic, tasteless directors, and director-wannabes who act like kids in this relaxing, fun inside baseball story of life in the movie industry.
It was slightly funny, and I’m partial to DeNiro, so I liked this. But while it was relaxing and fun, I’m not sure it was worth $10. Plus, it was too focused on the Jews. The crazy English director has a Hebrew “Chai” (life) tattoo on his neck that we constantly see, which was very annoying and distracting. Ditto for his whining about being descended from the Jewish shtetl in Europe. That’s not to mention the constant scenes of Israeli money man financing movies. Someone was too Jew-centric when they made this. I found that distracting.
But, hey, it features a bearded Bruce Willis (playing himself) wearing a yarmulke.
ONE-AND-A-HALF REAGANS

* RocknRolla: I used to think that Madonna was the complete bitch and nutcase in the now-crumbled Madonna-Guy Ritchie union. But after seeing this dumb, pointless waste of time he directed, I say they deserve each other.
While I couldn’t understand a lot of the indistinguishable cockneyed form of English that plagued this movie, I understood just fine what was going on. An English mobster is trying to get financing for a building from a Russian gangster, while in the meantime the Russian’s accountant and the English mobster’s thugs are in cahoots to steal the money. Meanwhile, the English mobster’s rock star son fakes his death and has the Russian’s missing painting.
Not funny, hard to understand their jumbled speaking, and just a waste of your money. I love gangster and mobster movies, but this ain’t no “The Departed”. Not even close.
ONE MARX


* “Happy-Go-Lucky: It’s as if a third-grader wrote this stupid movie. It’s the moving picture definition of dumb. Two hours of a thirty-something loser teacher in England who constantly laughs and dresses like the Olsen Twins and takes driving lessons. The end. Like a bad reality show. Don’t waste your time or money.
FOUR MARXES