June 17, 2008, - 10:20 am
Whipped Nation–Dads and Childcare: The Real (Hen-pecked) Story
By Debbie Schlussel
Readers know how I feel about Mr. Moms. But as American society unfortunately blurs the gender roles and more American Moms selfishly refuse to give up their jobs while also having kids, we hear more and more whining from them about how men allegedly don’t share enough in child care. But my view is, if you are a woman who chooses to have kids and a full-time job, tough luck on the predictable consequences.
Most straight American men really don’t want to be Mr. Moms. They are hard-wired as hunter-gatherers and want to be out in the world bringing home the bacon. They don’t want to be changing diapers after a hard day at work. But a new study–the most thorough of its kind and based on videotape–indicates another reason why men are allegedly less involved in child care–the constant bitching, belittling, insults, and other unappreciative, shrewish attacks on their husbands when they try to do the job:
In the closest look yet at how mothers’ behavior may shape dads’ involvement in parenting, a study of 97 couples with infants links both encouragement and criticism from mothers to fathers’ level of engagement.
Encouragement from mothers seems to have the most powerful impact, says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, lead author of the study, which appears in the June issue of the Journal of Family Psychology. Complimenting a man’s parenting, setting aside time for him alone with the baby, asking his opinion and praising his fathering in the presence of others, were strongly linked to greater paternal engagement and nurturing.
On the other hand, even dads who were determined to be involved, and who believed mothers and fathers should be equal co-parents, hit the sidelines when faced with a critical, judgmental mother. Among father-toxic behaviors by moms: looking exasperated at dads’ attempts to tend the baby; rolling their eyes; re-doing tasks he’d already done, or “talking through the baby” by saying things like, “Daddy made your bath too hot, didn’t he?” says Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan, an assistant professor of human development at Ohio State University.
The behaviors are “enough to send a message to the dad that he’s incompetent.” In probing this phenomenon, labeled “maternal gatekeeping,” researchers asked couples to fill out various questionnaires and dress their babies together while being videotaped.
Talk about whipped. No wonder men don’t want to help. Who would in the face of this obnoxious behavior?
Several readers of the Wall Street Journal’s “The Juggle” Work and Family Blog agree, including this one:
[My wife’s] efforts to dictate exactly how I should take care of the children and house and to monopolize direct interactions with the children are a trying and constant obstacle to building a good relationship with the kids and their mother alike.
Working women with kids, take note. And stop micro-managing like Jimmy Carter with the White House tennis courts and alien sightings.
Being at home sucks even with out kids. When I was off for 2 1/2 months it drove me nuts. Verrry tough on a marriage too.
samurai on June 17, 2008 at 12:02 pm