By Debbie Schlussel
In terms of new literary offerings, 2007 doesn’t look so great. Here are some of the new fiction and non-fiction novels coming out for the first 1/3 of the year, according to USA Today, along with my take:

Jan. 9
“Exile,” by Richard North Patterson (Henry Holt). An attorney defends a Palestinian woman accused of killing Israel’s prime minister.

Gee, I wonder what the slant of that one will be. NOT. Either the woman will be somehow justified in killing him. Or she will have been set-up/framed by evil Zionist conspirators. I had enough of anti-Israel, pro-Palestinian “thrillers” when I heard about John Le Carre’s “The Little Drummer Girl.” And I had enough pan-Islamist thrillers when I read about “The Hidden Assassins.” Enough is enough. Think of a new tack, Mr. Patterson (or is that, Mr. North Patterson?).

Even the cover of this book appears agenda-laden. It bears a key which resembles the key that has become the self-chosen symbol of Al-Awda (The Return), terrorist-allied Palestinians who falsely claim they have a “right of return” and reclamation of property they sold or abandoned in Israel.
The full name of this one is “Exile: A Novel.” At almost 600 pages, it should really be called, “Exile: The Drivel.”

Feb. 13
“The Double Bind,” by Chris Bohjalian (Shaye Areheart). Gatsby references are woven through this story of a woman struggling in the aftermath of mental and physical abuse.

Oy! Poor Great Gatsby. I can hear the rustling as F. Scott Fitzgerald turns over in his grave.

“Heart-Shaped Box,” by Joe Hill (HarperCollins). In this novel from Stephen King’s son, a collector gets more than he bargained for when he buys a revenge-hungry ghost on the Internet.

Is the son as good as the father? Doesn’t sound like it from this description.

“Past Perfect,” by Susan Isaacs (Simon & Schuster). A fired CIA agent searches for a missing former co-worker in this comic novel.

Richard Tenet goes looking for Valerie Plame, brings clowns Joe Wilson and federal prosecutor FitzGerald along for comic relief?

“Ten Days in the Hills,” by Jane Smiley (Knopf). Self-help author and her lover, a film director, host a house full of quirky guests after the 2003 Oscars.

Puh-leeze. A precursor to the ending of the Jim Jones “residential colony”? Comes with complementary satchels of pachouli and valium.

Feb. 20
“Finn,” by Jon Clinch (Random House). Using clues that Mark Twain left in Huckleberry Finn, the author builds a tale of Huck’s notorious father.

Uh, no. Mark Twain is one of my fave writers. He cannot be imitated. Or ripped off.

Feb. 27
“Shopaholic & Baby,” by Sophie Kinsella (Dial Press). Becky Bloomwood is pregnant, and she discovers a new world of shopping.

Proposed subtitle: The Death of Ideas and Creativity in America. News Flash: “Sex And the City” was canceled a while ago.

March 1
“The Long Road Home,” by Martha Raddatz (Putnam). ABC News correspondent’s experiences covering the war in Iraq.

Could she come up with a more trite title?! Yet another anti-War “expose” that’ll put you to sleep . . . by yet another Mainstream Media “news” “correspondent.” YAAAAAWN. Next!

March 6
“Whitethorn Woods,” by Maeve Binchy (Knopf). Residents of a small Irish town face demolition of their famous shrine for a highway.

Now, this one appears promising. Sounds like Kelo v. Connecticut visits Emerald Isle.

March 13
“You Don’t Love Me Yet,” by Jonathan Lethem (Doubleday). Farce centers on members of an L.A. alt-rock band.

Dude, the audience for this kan’t reed and just spent the $25 this would’ve cost them on some quality “herb.” Sorry, Paris Hilton doesn’t read books.

April 2
“Boomsday,” by Christopher Buckley (Twelve). War erupts between retired boomers and the generation footing the bill in this comic novel.

Ahhh . . . a bright spot in a dark printed universe. Buckley is always funny. And taking on the hippie generation? Sounds very appetizing.

April 3
“The Feminine Mistake,” by Leslie Bennetts (Voice/Hyperion). Working mother makes the case for having a career.

I thought Betty Friedan died in 2006. Resurrected so soon?

April 10
“Einstein: His Life and Universe,” by Walter Isaacson (Simon & Schuster). Touted as first full biography of the genius and the science that he studied.

Sounds promising and interesting.

April 17
“Good Husband of Zebra Drive,” by Alexander McCall Smith (Knopf). The latest in the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series.

Been there. Read that. It’s called “Nancy Drew,” “Remington Steele,” or for the low-brow set, Pamela Anderson’s defunct “V.I.P.”

April 24
“Body Surfing,” by Anita Shreve (Little, Brown,). A woman conflicted by death and divorce must learn to love again.

Gee, how original. Hello . . . . Danielle Steele, Harlequin Romance and Lifetime Channel called, and they want their stale idea back.
And they killed trees for these?!