By Debbie Schlussel

I did not particularly like anything new at the movies, this weekend.  Here are my reviews:

*  “Couples Retreat“:  Should have been sub-titled, “Don’t Go There.”  The ’80s called and they want their really bad “The Love Boat” episodes (which means all “Love Boat” episodes) back.  This movies was absolutely awful.  It’s the worst chick-flick/comedy I’ve seen in longer than I can remember.  Guys, do whatever it takes to avoid being dragged by your chick to see this.  You’ll thank me . . . or be stuck wishing you committed suicide because you didn’t listen to me.  Vince Vaughn has a couple of funny lines, but it’s not enough to save this giant bomb.

A couple having marital difficulties rooks their best couple friends into going to a tropical island resort for a week of fun and pleasure.  Instead, it’s a week of new age marital counseling by weirdoes.  And not a lot of fun.  The jokes are dumb and vulgar.  And definitely not funny.  A cheesy Latino male aerobics instructor in a Speedo bikini simulating sex on women and couples–haha funny.  Not.  Groanworthy, definitely.  Plus, did I really need to see a guy with a giant “arousal” and a morbidly obese Black man’s giant, lump-laden, naked butt and giant bare stomach?  Eeuuww, it’s a sight I’ll never forget.  And, no, it’s not about race–I’m sure an obese naked White guy would be just as grotesque and, um, impactful.

The people who made this piece of crap should be banned from Hollywood forever.  Not just disgusting, but a complete waste of time you’ll never get back (plus the ten bucks you wasted).

THREE-AND-A-HALF MARXES

*  “Paranormal Activity“:  This movie is a great example of the saying, “Don’t believe the hype.”  The low-budget flick is getting a lot of buzz all over the Net and movie critics are raving over it, calling it the next “Blair Witch Project.”  But, like I said, don’t believe the hype.  It’s boring as hell.  And, though it’s supposed to be a horror flick, it wasn’t scary in the least, except for the last 30 seconds of this 99 minute waste of time.  What it, indeed, was:  laughable.

Not only is it low budget, it shows.  The whole movie takes place in a house.  The actors are terrible and extremely dull.  And they’re not much to look at.  The woman won’t stop yapping, and these people were so annoying, I was thinking throughout the movie, “Just die already.”  The herky-jerky camera method is old and gave me a headache.  We get it–you’re trying to look all independent and stuff.  Who cares.

The “story”:  A young couple has weird things happen in their house at night.    Stuff is moved, doors open and shut, and weird noises are made.  Even scarier, though, is that this annoying woman and her guy don’t seem to do anything for a living other than whine, videotape themselves, and never shutting the heck up.  The couple decide to videotape themselves while they’re asleep at night to find out what’s going on.  And, even though I couldn’t care less either way, they never do, nor do we.  The movie ends within 30 seconds of something exciting actually happening.

Big whoop.  A complete waste of time.  I wanted scary, not sleepy and insipid.

THREE-AND-A-HALF MARXES

*  “The Boys Are Back“:  An Australian sportswriter (Clive Owen) has his beautiful wife die suddenly of cancer, with himself and his young son to fend for themselves.  At first, we’re manipulated into feeling sorry for him.  But then, we learn that he actually has a first family, he left for this one.  He cheated on his first wife and left her and his son for the second family.  Haven’t we seen enough crummy fathers from Hollywood?

Now, he explores single fatherhood and how to put the pieces back together with the son he neglected.  This movie was mostly slow and boring, not to mention melodrama galore.  But eventually–after he’s lived a good deal of his life as a slob and a jerk–we see a father become the man and loving father he should have been.  This was the best of this week’s new offerings, but that’s relative.  And, at least, it was beautifully shot, mostly in Australia.

HALF A REAGAN