By Debbie Schlussel

Two okay new movies in theaters, this weekend, but nothin’ to write home about.

* “Foxcatcher“: I’m not surprised that mainstream (liberal) movie critics are in love with this anti-gun, anti-American movie and Steve Carell’s one-dimensional portrayal of the late billionaire John du Pont. The movie mocks American patriots, American patriotism, conservatism, support for America’s military and police, and gun ownership and superimposes all of those concepts onto craziness, nuttery, and murder. On top of that, the movie is weird, creepy, pointless, and very slow.

“Based on true events,” the film is supposed to portray the relationships and events that led up to du Pont’s real-life murder of Olympic wrestling coach David Schultz. But it’s hard to tell what is accurate and what isn’t, regardless of the participation of brother Mark Schultz in the making of the movie. There is a clear agenda to attack conservatives, patriots, and gun owners, so blatant that it’s over the top. There is also more than a sub rosa indication that du Pont was gay, with several very homoerotic scenes. You know the typical narrative: “patriotic, rich conservatives are really closet flaming gays.” And the filmmakers also want you to know that patriots are hypocrites in other ways, too, as du Pont is shown as a regular coke snorter, including on his private plane on the way to a conservative banquet event.

The story: du Pont is a nutty, patriotic, conservative, pro-police, pro-military, pro-gun billionaire, who longs to be famous and feel like he’s doing something to help America. He’s also a wannabe athlete and Olympic coach, whose mother focused him on piano and horses instead of sports (she saw wrestling as a “low sport”). So, du Pont recruits weirdo Olympic Gold Medalist wrestler Mark Schultz to come to his “Foxcatcher” estate to live and train. He also recruits Mark Schultz’s older brother Dave, a former Olympian and now a coach, to come to Foxcatcher to coach the wrestlers who live and train there.

But du Pont is obsessive and creepy. He wants credit for coaching Mark Schultz to the Olympics. And he wants to be seen as the father figure in Schultz’s life. That happens for a while, but soon Mark Schultz and du Pont have a falling out. Mark Schultz leaves, leaving his brother Dave and Dave’s family to stay and coach at Foxcatcher. Eventually, du Pont gets upset with Dave Schultz for no legitimate reason and shoots and kills him in front of Dave’s wife. The end. Wonderful movie, right?

You should also note that Friend of Al-Qaeda/Arafat, a barely recognizable Vanessa Redgrave, is a co-star in this movie, playing du Pont’s mother.

Carell and Tatum are covered in bad cosmetics and obvious prosthetics that are simply laughable. Their “acting” consists of monotone, stilted talking (which–newflash!–ain’t acting), as well as Tatum’s weird way of walking and constantly sticking out his jaw.

Bottom line–one not indicated by this movie: John du Pont’s behavior and nuttiness had nothing to do with patriotism. It had nothing to do with conservatism. It had nothing to do with gun ownership and support for America’s military and police.

But that’s not what this movie wants you to think.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Annie“: More like Annie-cide via Jay-Z. The hip-hop-izing of Annie stinks like fresh dunk. Will Smith and Jay-Z murdered Annie. They bought the rights to make the second movie version of the Broadway musical as a star vehicle for Smith’s daughter, Willow. But Willow decided against it, so they recruited Quvenzhané Wallis to play “the first Black Annie.” They also hired Jamie Foxx to play the Daddy Warbucks character, called “Will Stacks,” in this version. But don’t worry, all of the villains in the movie are still White. That’s the only thing they didn’t change. Though, they did create an additional, new White villain, in case kids in the audience don’t already get the message that “White people are bad!”

When I was a kid growing up in the ’70s and ’80s, I was an Annie-phile. My parents took me to see the music multiple times. I collected Annie memorabilia. I played the soundtrack record over and over again and sang along, probably to the rest of my family’s chagrin. I even auditioned for the traveling company of the Broadway musical (read about that here). I loved the catchy songs and the story of an orphan girl with red curly hair who charms a billionaire (maybe in those days it was just millionaire?) capitalist during the Depression (though I later realized the musical is actually about capitalists like Warbucks being cold and gruff and how the orphan charms FDR into signing the disastrous New Deal). And, so, I was doubly and triply sickened by how much they ruined this once-charming story, all in the name of “updating” and “urbanizing” it.

Every single song from the musical is changed and ruined (and several, such as “NYC” and “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile” have been omitted completely). They keep a few of the key lyrics and then change the rest. They keep a few of the original musical notes and change the rest into some treacly, blah-sounding muzak (which annoyingly plays throughout the movie).

Instead of the movie taking place during the Depression, this version takes place today. And to make that clear, we are hit over the head repeatedly with social media two-by-fours. Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, viral videos, etc. are a big part of this movie, clearly to make up for its weak script. And instead of innocent, hopeful “Little Orphan Annie,” the current Annie is a cynical foster kid with more jade and shade than spunk. Wallis is synthetically, saccharin “sweet” and cloying. Miss Hannigan is a foster care provider (lackluster and horribly-acted by Cameron Diaz). Jamie Foxx’s tech billionaire Stacks is very flashy yet dull and way too ghetto. There are repeated, stupid scenes of him and Annie spewing out their bad food. The only good White person in the movie is Stacks’ assistant, Grace (Rose Byrne), but she actually lacks grace and tells Annie about all of her (Grace’s) career and family neuroses. Huh? But she’s a “good” White person because, at the end, she enters into an interracial relationship with Stacks. So she’s “down wit da struggle.”

The story: foster girl Annie looks for her parents who left her at a police station with a note from an Italian restaurant. In the meantime, she lives with other foster kids in the foster home of a former member of the C&C Music Factory pop group (Diaz), who treats the girls horribly. One day, Annie is trying to help a dog when she is nearly hit by a car. Billionaire Stacks saves her live and the video goes viral online. Stacks is running for New York Mayor, and goes to meet Annie and include her in his life, when he sees that this will help him in the polls. Involved in all kinds of evil machinations against Annie are foster mother Miss Hannigan (Diaz) and Stacks’ right-hand man (Bobby Cannavale).

Like I said, this movie stinks, and it’s a mess. If you want to do your kids a favor, take them to see the musical, which was recently made its Broadway revival and is performed on stages all over the country.

This isn’t just “Not Annie.” It’s crap.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS FOUR MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS FOUR JAY-ZS PLUS TWO ISIS BEHEADINGS

Watch the trailer . . .

* “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb a/k/a Night at the Museum 3“: While there is nothing objectionable about this third installment of the “Night at the Museum” movies, it’s far inferior to the vastly more charming first and second installments. In fact, while it’s fine for families and kids, I found this movie kind of silly, convoluted, and a mess.

The story: an Egyptian gold tablet on display in the museum is turning green and disappearing. Along with it, so are the powers of the exhibits to come alive at night. Museum official Ben Stiller travels to London with the Egyptian prince and some other exhibits in order to consult with the Egyptian prince’s parents, who are exhibits at the London museum, and find out how to restore the gold tablet and the museum exhibits powers’ to come alive at night. At the London museum, they engage in new action and adventures with exhibits that come to life at night there, including Sir Lancelot (the talented Dan Stevens), and a new museum security guard (Rebel Wilson).

The movie is okay, but kind of dull, and I could have done without the many scenes of historical museum exhibits engaging in social media on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, etc., and dancing to hip-hop music. Um, no thanks. Takes a lot away from the “historical” magic of this movie series.

This was, by the way, the late Robin Williams’ last movie. Once again, he portrays Teddy Roosevelt.

ONE REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies“: This latest–and supposedly last–installment of the Hobbit movies is like all Hobbit movies in that it is long and slow. I took a bathroom break and didn’t miss much. Like many of the Hobbit movies I’ve seen and reviewed, the plot is messy, confusing, and somewhat convoluted. That said, I liked this better than the Hobbit movies I’ve seen (I’ve only seen the two installments that came before this). It has a nice finishing touch to all the movies I saw, and I liked the warm, touching conclusion. I did think, though, as I have with other Hobbit movies, that the movie was a bit violent for kids–lots of killing and death. The story: in this one, Bilbo Baggins, the dwarves, the elves, and the others fight off more than one army of evil enemies.

ONE REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .