August 19, 2011, - 7:06 pm
Wknd Box Office: Conan the Barbarian, Fright Night, One Day, The Guard, Point Blank
It’s mid-August, the pet cemetery to which Hollywood studios send all of the worst movies to die a quick death. So, it’s no surprise that the best new movies, this weekend, are a remake of an ’80s vampire flick and a French action thriller arthouse movie. “Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D” was not screened for critics.
“Conan the Barbarian“: Absolutely awful. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t have much to worry about with regard to Jason Momoa (best known for his role on “Baywatch Hawaii”) replacing him as undefeated Conan. This movie was long, boring, pointless, confusing, stupid, and extremely bloody and violent for no reason. A more apt title is “Pirates of the I Don’t Care-ibbean,” since it has scenes with pirates and water. I so badly wanted to walk out on this movie throughout, but had to stay in order to review it. 1.5 hours of life I’ll never get back. Thanks, Hollywood.
The original Conan movie, starring Schwarzenegger, was known to be very violent for its time, but it’s a G-rating compared to this slaughter-fest and bloodletting. Think, “Saw: The Ancient Times.”
Conan, the son of Ron “The Jewish Barbarian” Perlman, watches his father get murdered by a rival tribe seeking the last piece of a powerful, magical mask. With the mask in hand, the evil king of the tribe needs the blood of a monk (oddly, a female who has sex with Conan–I thought monks were dudes who are celibate) in order to obtain the masks power. Conan tries to save the monk-ette, sleeps with her, and ultimately, she is captured by the rival king and his evil daughter. The evil daughter wears platform boots a la Lady Gaga. Who knew bizarro designers from the “Born This Way” tour were around back in the Barbarian age?
Like I said, so stupid, so pointless, so . . . well, just avoid it at all cost. It stank. The movie is 3D for no apparent valid reason.
FOUR MARXES
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Fright Night“: This is a remake of the 1985 movie of the same name. I did not see the original, but I understand the story is similar. And the movie, while not a great movie, is entertaining and enjoyable in a cheesy/campy way.
Real-life Russian Jewish immigrant Anton Yelchin plays an average high-school teen-age boy in the Nevada suburbs. He’s one of the popular kids and has a cute, blonde girlfriend. His former childhood best friend is now one of the unpopular kids and warns him that his new next door neighbor, Colin Farrell, is a vampire and kills people. Yelchin doesn’t believe him, until he suddenly finds neighbors and fellow students missing and puts two and two together.
While not a masterpiece, it’s fine and somewhat fun. Despite graphic violence, blood, and language issues, it’s aimed at teens and 20-somethings, but if you’re a little older, you still might find it okay. People I know who’ve seen the original liked that one better.
Colin Farrell is good as a vampire (I always thought he looked like one, anyway), and I enjoyed the Vegas magician/phony vampire slayer character, too. This is in 3D.
ONE REAGAN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “One Day“: This lifelong romance movie is boring, dull, stilted, and lacks spark. It’s a chick flick and is heavily weighed down by the annoying Anne Hatha-Neigh, er . . . Hathaway and her absolutely horrid fake English accent. She and Jim Sturgess play star-crossed lovers who spend the night together when they are graduating college. Thereafter, we see them over the years on the same date, June 15th–which is a British holiday or something. Sometimes they are together, sometimes not. Sometimes, he is pining for her, sometimes she for him–but never at the same time. It’s predictable. You know what happens. But you won’t care, nor will I. Seemed like five hours long. Hated both these people and couldn’t have cared less whether or not they finally got together. Will you care? Not likely. And the point of this movie was? Not sure. Again, don’t care. Save your ten bucks.
TWO MARXES
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* “The Guard“: This is a cop buddy movie, but not your typical cop buddy movie. It was a little over the top and not my kind of movie, but it might be yours. Brendan Gleeson is an Irish cop who likes hookers, booze, and drugs. An FBI agent, Don Cheadle, comes to Ireland to investigate and bust an international drug smuggling ring run by local Irish gangsters. At first, they do not get along, but they grow to like each other. The movie is mostly about them, not the investigation (though there is some of that). This was kind of slow for me, and not that funny for a movie that’s supposed to be something of a comedy.
ONE-HALF MARX
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* “Point Blank [A Bout Portant]“: This is a French thriller with English-language subtitles. It’s fun, fast, and a thriller involving criminals, corrupt cops, a male nurse, and his pregnant wife. It has non-stop action, car chases, and goes by very fast.
The story: a male nurse in training catches a man trying to kill a patient. After returning home to tell his pregnant wife what a hero he is, he finds an intruder who beats him and kidnaps his wife. He’s told via cellphone that if he ever wants to see his wife again, he must help free the man in the hospital–the patient another man had tried to kill. The man, it turns out, is a wanted criminal. The nurse does as he is told, but doesn’t exactly get his wife back. Instead, he and the criminal patient he’s just freed are framed for the murder of a high-ranking police detective. He spends the movie trying to find his wife and save her, while fending off corrupt cops and the honest ones who believe he committed murder.
Enjoyable, quick, entertaining, thriller.
TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS
Watch the trailer . . .
I’m so glad it’s Friday and I get to read your reviews!
LOL’d at your apt take on the horrible Anne Hathaway. I wish her last name was Go-away. The only two who get me aggro than seeing her are the Gyllanhaal siblings…oh, and add in Ellen Page for good measure.
The original “Fright Night” was VERY good. I enjoyed it so much. Really funny and cute. Good stuff! The only thing good about “Fright Night 2” was the movie poster.
Skunky on August 19, 2011 at 7:52 pm