By Debbie Schlussel

Some people really, really, really have waaaaay.  toooo.  muuuuuch. time on their hands.  Such is the case with some outfit called the Society for Menstrual Cycle Research.  (Hey, Bob, what do you do for a living?  Oh, I’m Vice President of flow intensity engineering for the Society for Menstrual Cycle Research.  That’s an answer I’d give to a talkative passenger on a plane to shut him/her up.)

Prince Charles of Tampon: Islam’s New Envoy to U.S.

Yesterday, this bizarro organization attacked me, claiming I caused men to “conclude that menstrual contact of any kind must be avoided.”  And just how did I cause men to commit this horrible crime against  humanity?  Well, I mocked Prince Charles–Islam’s self-appointed ambassador of tolerance–for saying he wished he could be Camilla Parker Bowles’ tampon in taped phone conversations with her, while he was married to Princess Diana.  Sad to say, this organization has a blog written by some “dude” (and I use the term “dude” very tentatively, here) who is all up in arms about me:

In October 2005 as Charles was about to visit the U.S., he told an interviewer in London that he hoped to speak with President Bush about improving relations with Muslims.  The thought of a Brit having the temerity to advise Bush so enraged some in the right wing that they attacked with menstrual guns blazing. . . . The next day (Halloween!), the blog of a woman named Debbie Schlussel, a self-described “conservative political commentator,” echoed the same theme and in a far more vicious tone.  Her piece was titled “Another Halloween Costume: Tampon Man Now Islam’s Envoy to U.S.”  She repeated the phrase “Tampon Man,” “Prince Tampon,” “Prince Charles of Tampon” or “Tampon Prince” eight times and also included a crude cartoon depicting a box of Tampax with legs and arms and several tampons sticking out of the top, one with a crown and Charles’ face with the caption, “Sweet Camilla, Your wish is granted.”

Whew!  What a lesson!  Would it be any wonder that men, particularly any men exposed to this kind of vitriol, would conclude that menstrual contact of any kind must be avoided at all cost?  The threat to one’s social standing is too great.  If the reputation of an heir apparent of a great nation can be so publicly bashed over an innocent and misreported sex joke, can any man escape menstrual mockery?

Is this for real? Sadly, yes. Yup, Western society’s biggest problem is men being afraid to have “menstrual contact.” And this is a problem because . . .? Please don’t answer. That was a rhetorical question.  Don’t go there.  The whole thing is gross.  And that’s aside from the sanitary issues.